Christmas season with a Paranoid Schizophrenic...my Mom

This has to be the most SURREAL day ever in my existence to date...

After leaving my Mom at the Mental Health Coop Crisis Care Center last night, she strolls into the house today like nothing happened. I ask her what the Dr. said & she tells me she has an appt next Monday. That is it. She eats a bowl of noodles

, but still appears hungry as I prepare lunch for Gavin so I offer her some. She accepts it and devours it. All seems well for about 1 1/2 to 2 hrs. Then the fun begins again...

I finally get her Dr. on the phone at 4 pm and very THOROUGHLY give her my Mom's 20 yr history of paranoid Schizophrenia & Depression in a brief 30 minute exchange. FINALLY, she understands that my Mom is FAR WORSE than they e

ven knew and isn't on the adequate medication to help her from losing her footing in our reality. Dr tells me to take her BACK to MHCC for them to likely admit her. I told her I would make it happen as I skillfully craft a plan of action in my head.

What they haven't yet figured out is that I didn't just get all my wit, intellect and stubborn will out of thin air...I did acquire this all from my Mother so she is NO easy rabbit to trap. I invited her to go to Pancakes with Santa for supper and then on to Gavin's Cub Scout Troop's project to carol at the McKendree Retirement Center & give the residents hand-painted Christmas cards. Once finished there, I meant to make a fast break of it to Metro Center to the Crisis Center. Ahead of time, I had gathered all her medication & deposited it in the car to avoid detection. My Mom might be crazy, but that bitch is still MORE paranoid and watches EVERY move you make.

All went according to plan, exactly...UNTIL she realized where we were heading. Then she started losing her shit. First she began telling me what she would & wouldn't do. That changed to belittling me and calling me a prostitute (her psychosis revolves around religion & sex...go figure) again only this time in front of my child instead of the entire Mental Health Coop. We get off the exit & I proceed down the road almost to the first of two turns I need to make to the center when she tries to open the door...which I had counted on and had locked with child proof lock. What I DIDN'T consider is that the wily crazy-bitch would manually unlock the door at lightning speed, fling the door open and order me to stop & let her out. It caught me off guard & I slowed slightly. What transpired next was truly like something from a movie...

As I made the left turn, my 57 yr old mother like psychotic Evel Knievel leaps from my car at my 25-30 mph slamming into the pavement flat on her face and laying there like a chalk outline. Gavin is speechless and eyes are popping out of his lil head as I throw my Element into park and jump out running to her. I am almost to Mom as a car behind me screeches to a halt to avoid hitting her while the driver queries if she's ok. Suddenly my Mother jumps to her feet and dashes down the street like a deranged gingerbread man! WTF???!!! I think as in my mind I can hear her shouting, "Catch me if you can!"

I simultaneously explain the situation to the witness while I call the police for assistance. Gavin is so stunned that he never even thinks to exit the car which is most unusual for my child. The very kind and understanding woman who stopped is most sympathetic about our situation and gives me her information as I wait for the police to arrive. I watch my Mom make it a block and a half to 2 blocks before she reaches the intersection & stops to smoke and pace. After a while she comes back while we are there waiting and agrees to get into the car with me and go to the center. I figure that she understands that it will be MUCH easier to go on her own than to be cuffed and dragged in.

We got into the car as I called the police dispatcher back to just have them meet us at the center while Mom continues to ramble on about her displeasure with all of this. She never seemed to miss a beat, nor seemed at all dazed. I'm sitting there thinking, "OMG! You just jumped out of my fucking moving car!!!" Very calmly I park and instruct Gavin to get out with me. He's very cautiously eying his Nana. After all he just witnessed, he will never see her as the same sweet Nana again.

They called in a second officer to keep watch as she was considered a flight risk. The others in the center commented that my Mom must be a doozy at that. Here is this seemingly sweet older smallish frail looking woman who needs two armed police men near to keep all safe & well. After talking with her and getting my statements, the crisis counselors consulted her doctor & they decided to admit her to Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital.

They allowed Mom to go smoke while the police officer stayed close to her as they explained to Gavin & me they were admitting her. MHCC said we could wait but it would be perfectly ok if we left now. They told me they weren't telling her anything until they were ready to have the police officers take her to the hospital in order to keep her calm. I knew this was their way of telling us kindly it would be better to go ahead & leave. I certainly didn't want Gavin to see anything worse.

I told Gavin to hug her & tell her he loved her & good-bye. He wasn't feeling most compliant. I told him that I wouldn't allow any disrespect that she is still my Mom & his Nana & we love her. Gavin did much better on his second run. As I hugged my Mam...the only one I have in the world...I began to weep as I told her how I loved her and implored her to do as they asked. Begged her to take her medication.

Her hardness broke for a minute as she told me not to cry & hugged me. I felt worse at that like taking some poor dog to the kill shelter. I know it is for her own good & safety and all of ours. Blindly, I made for Gavin & the door just reaching the frigid air as the door snapped locking behind me before my sobs broke out. I missed a step and nearly fell dropping my purse while my dear sweet child grabbed my elbow to steady me and patted my back as I regained enough composure to drive us home.

I am blessed to have such a compassionate & loving child. Riding home I asked Gavin if he was freaked out and very calmly he said, "On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being freaked out of my mind, I am a 6, Mom." I assured him that was normal and that I was VERY proud of him for holding up so well. I asked him to tell me if he had any thoughts, observations or questions about all that had just happened. He said he had none. Gavin is a strong, wise child in many ways, yet fragile like someone else we all know...

As my mother screamed at me last night & tonight on the way there how I was abandoning her again, I knew I had to save myself & child first. She cannot comprehend that I am helping her and trying to save her, too. It fillets my soul to hear her screams in reality and as they haunt my dreams. Dear God, please just give me peace and for my dear crazy Mother as well. Amen.

my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

it is my humble opinion that as people we are called to love each other unconditionally no matter what just as Jesus would. this is a lofty goal & great burden at times but doable. many times i am grossly misunderstood, yet my intentions are only positive & good and my heart pure with love. i am horribly flawed and most unworthy and i'm certainly not in poor company.

as i struggle daily to be sure that i make decisions that i can honestly live with each day, i realize that there are times when my choices might be unwise or flat out ridiculous! thankfully as i grow older, more mature and gain better knowledge, i seek to understand as much as i possibly can in this life. i am curious. i ask lots of questions.

i care truly about others. my heart is so huge & heavy for loving others because i didn't receive that love i needed as a child that i find it easier to love the seemingly "unlovable" than the majority of people. often i will give away all that i have in me so that there is nothing left to keep myself going. i realize this is destructive, yet i have faith that i will be renewed. 37 years later, i am still here. living. breathing. dying by each moment that passes. i do not fear death as it holds no dominion over me. once you stare deeply into the darkness and cheat it, beat it or simply aren't permitted to go, you realize there is nothing to fear.

so tired. i pray often for this life to end for me because i know there is rest on the other side. i won't be going until it is time, yet many days i awaken and ask, is this the day?

cycle of life

Wednesday started out like any other day with great potential and possibility. It did not disappoint or fail to give us new insight, knowledge and experiences from which to draw great value & meaning of life.

I awakened late from some treacherous nightmares that lurked in the background of my soul today with great uneasiness, but I arose determined to make the most of it like I do the majority of days. Work was the usual work...an abundance of rapid activity with unreasonable expectations and even more ridiculous deadlines. Our society has truly grown to one of we wanted that not just yesterday but last week! Such is the nature of commercial printing and pretty much everything else it would seem but government. Why does it appear that government takes its sweet time to accomplish anything?! But as I was saying, despite the nagging discomfort from the shadows of my slumber, I jumped into my work with tenacity & blew it all out of the water today like usual. I even managed to keep my desk exceptionally orderly which is NO easy task, particularly in our business!

As we are in the full swing of the political elections, the demands for direct mail postcards, fliers and brochures about whom can do the better job and how crummy the OTHER candidates are has me literally running about from the time I step into the building until I flee in the afternoon. Such was the usual when I received a text from my Mom that Gavin had experienced his first true loss of life...Scottchie, our beloved hamster, had died. OH NO! I texted back quickly to inquire how Gavin was taking it. Not well as my Mom rapidly replied that Gavin was "freaking out". This was at about 4 pm and I am supposed to be off work at 4:30 pm, but usually I never leave the building before 5 and usually much later than that! I called home quickly to distinguish for myself just how bad Gav was taking it.

Gavin seemed to be very terse on the phone and sounded rather angry which struck me as odd. I'd expected weepy or sullen. I assured him that I was leaving work "on time" today and would be right home. Gavin told me he didn't know what to do about Scottchie and I assured him that I would take care of what needed to be done when I got home. I explained that I would bring home a small business card box so we could put him to rest properly in the backyard.

By now it is 4:10 and I have a client I refer to as "crazy” because she's truly next to impossible to work with, but such is life and I make the best of it. Earlier she'd sent over a job that she needed "immediately" for some candidate only I look over the purchase order & the PDF of the print job to see that the specs DO NOT match the files. I hastily relay this information back to her only to get an email telling me that it is all correct. Exasperated and a bit incredulous, I quip over the wall to my sales rep that "crazy" has really fallen off the wagon this time because apples do not oranges make! My sales rep found that amusing then told me I must stand my ground on this as clearly I was right, like I EVER need to be told to stand my ground on anything... At this point, I could give less than a damn about this whole thing because I know my dear sweet son is at home trying to comprehend the fact that his dear hamster has for no apparent reason expired!

I'd told “crazy” that I had to leave at 4:30 today so sure enough at 4:28 I get an email & a corrected PO stating that she was indeed wrong. DUH!!! It's not rocket surgery people, just paper and ink!!! I sent her a polite reply that I'd get right on it first thing tomorrow and got the hell out of there after procuring the necessary box to bury Scottchie in.

Driving home, I called Gav's Dad to fill him in on Scottchie's untimely demise. To my knowledge Gavin had not yet had to deal with the death of anything he loved dearly and I confirmed that with his Dad since Gavin had lived in Utah with him last year. More discussion about Gavin's new school & medication and how he is progressing helped pass the 20 minute drive home in rush hour traffic until finally I was pulling into my spot at home.

Gavin was ok at first when I got home, but he had dirt on his face and was very tense and somewhat agitated. I instructed him to go shower as he was such a mess. While he was in the shower, I went to see to poor Scottchie as I'd told Gav to just put a towel or pillow case over the cage until I could get home to see to him. Scottchie was in his cage like always and just looked like he was sleeping. I could hardly believe as I reached in there to get him that he truly wasn't alive. I wrapped him gently in tissue and put him into the little blue box as I thought it would be easier on Gavin not to have to see all this. It was then that the sobbing began in the bathroom and I dashed in there to check on Gavin. He was standing there forlornly in the middle of the tub sobbing his little heart out. As a Mother, my heart broke into a million pieces and I would have done anything in this world to bring that little puff of fur back to life just for his sake. Alas, death is part of the cycle of life and one that isn't so easy to digest nor accept and understand.

I did my best to comfort him from outside the shower and just about nearly said screw it and got in there clothes and all to hold him as he wept. I thought better of it because the truth is that sometimes it is much better to just let it all out. I found it equally ironic that he had found the shower to be the best place for such as I have in my own times of sorrow and frustration. As I waited downstairs with Mama for Gavin to finish up showering & sobbing, we discussed the events of the day. When the shower went off, I climbed the stairs to see my sweet but wet naked child still weeping. So I grabbed some clean fluffy towels to swaddle him in like I did when he was a baby and pulled him into my chest to comfort him. There we stood for what seemed a good hour but I'm sure was only some minutes. Eventually, Gavin quieted down and I dried his hair with another towel and wiped his tear streaked swollen face before sending him into his room to dress. I explained that I had already gotten Scottchie out of the cage & prepared to put to rest in our backyard. That seemed to relieve him a bit. Gavin said we should hurry to get him buried as he didn't want Scottchie to get cold outside and I used every bit of strength within me right then to not break down and bawl my head off, too.

Somehow, we managed to get Gav's homework done and finally I decided to make myself go get us dinner even though no one felt like eating really. We got into bed early and at some point in the night Gavin crept into my bed rambling about something that I couldn't recall if I wanted, too. He's been restless and hence I am awake and writing this.

I was 6 when my Grandpa Rickart passed away. We would sit out on the ice in Wisconsin ice fishing for hours...he fishing and me chatting away incessantly about any & everything. I swear he must have had the patience of Job or was deaf! The Christmas before he passed, I had insisted that we get him a new parka because I did NOT like him being out there in that cold and not being warm enough. So relentless I was about this that my stepdad & Mom did get Grandpa the new coat that year. When he died, I put on the giant parka which smelled like him and wrapped myself in the massive thing to comfort myself since he was now gone from this world. Somehow I knew he was in a better place, but I can't say how, yet I missed him. He was the first person to ever seem to truly listen to me...what I thought and answering my relentless questions about life and the world for I was a very curious 6 year old girl. I am still the same girl...just 31 years older and having to comfort my own sweet child in his time of sorrow.

Soul hemorrhage

UGH! I still fell raw inside like someone took a meat grinder to my heart. My only comfort is that I know karma will catch up with this man who so charmingly stole my heart and then raped my soul. BASTARD!

Worked really hard to get over him. I think maybe it was just off timing. I've had a really awful couple of months and no matter what avenue I go, I'm cut off. Nothing I try is working in ANY avenue of my life. Sitting still is NEVER an option for me. Might as well just kill me. Impatient as hell for sure.

Lately, people are heaping compliments upon me when all I can think is what a shitty job I am doing as a provider for my son & disabled Mother. My bills are behind. I'm working an insane amount at work with NO overtime pay as I'm salaried. I just need a breakthrough...one tiny little niche to see my way through. Even going back to college didn't work out for this fall. I was SO looking forward to taking one or two classes. It would give me something to look forward, too, right now. Presently, there is simply nothing good happening.

I hate myself...truly. While some folks tell me how awesome I am, my two best friends in the world, Michelle & Anne, have left me. I must really be fucked up at this rate. Part of me wants to paint again, but the other half thinks it won't do any good.

I've considered updating all my legal documents...living will, power of attorney, & will. I am really worth more dead than alive and frankly, I am sick of struggling to survive much less really LIVE my life with deliberation and sucking the marrow out of it. Nothing is really fun or joyful anymore. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication so I know it's not either of those things. Really, I am sick of struggling through my life all alone.

While doing all I can to help Gavin with his issues, I realize that I am directly responsible for his problems. He's still torn up about the divorce...he even calls it "Our" divorce. Now, after a few years of utilizing, researching and studying all other options, he's been diagnosed with ADD and having to take medicine for it. He's going to have to change schools mid-year and go to one that has a special education program to assist him with his issues. My fucked up genetics and crazy family are directly responsible for his troubles. I have failed my only child.

I weighed out for years whether to have children only to get knocked up on the pill. There was NO other option then as I could not murder my child. So I saw it as God's will that he is here. Why God entrusted ME of all people with a child is beyond me. I barely manage to take care of myself these days. Thus, leading to even more self-loathing & hate. Someone ought to kill my pathetic ass for not being a better Mom, daughter, friend, employee.

What's this life for??? It just makes me feel more inferior and defunct than ever. I pray daily to just die anymore. I know God can do this...I just can't have it on my conscience that I took my own life but only for Gavin's sake. He deserves so much better than me. Gav wants a father so badly and I can't even get a date much less have a long term relationship that leads to marriage. God, please for the love of YOURSELF, end this ridiculous BS because I'm so fucking tired anymore that I can't sleep...even with the medication. I can't give my own child the essentials in life anymore so I'm no longer of value. Please help end this!!!

Be still my heart

‎"Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this...But curb thou the high spirit in thy breast, for gentle ways are best, and keep aloof from sharp contentions." -Homer

In an instant today, my mosaic heart reconstructed painstakingly, again shattered into a billion shards of hope, friendship & love long lost leaving me desolate, broken & bereft with just one look. How I managed to converse and make any coherent sense, I am sure to not ever know. But as I drove away, my soul dissolved into a lake of tears, pain and loneliness all over again.

It is a thin line between love and hate. Oh how I wish I could hate, but I banished that from me back in 2000 because love bears ALL things. I loathe myself for still loving him when I know I was nothing to him.

WTF is wrong with me?! I know better...I am better. I feel like cutting my beating heart from my chest this instant and would if I were certain that is what would make it all go away...

who am i

the last 12 months of my life have been wrought with joy and despair, unfortunately more the latter. i will say that it has forced me to truly look inside of myself and see who i truly am as a person. i've had to face those things about me which i hate, what i love and what i am uncertain and even afraid of. i'm pleased to report that i am still here to pen these words as many times sometimes months on end, i never thought i'd live to be here at this point in time.

the journey i have been on has had to be walked alone and as gut retching as it has been at times, very necessary. little did i know this time last year that the 3 most important men in my life would abandon me during this crucial time in my life. this set into motion a domino effect plummeting me to my own origins and the root of what has held me in bondage for nearly 37 years now.

though they all left for various reasons of their own choosing and not necessarily bad reasons, it has profoundly affected me and the relationships i hold with each of them.

my son was the last of the three to go and while it hurt, i understood him the best of the 3. perhaps it is because he is literally part of me having been born of my body and loved so profoundly that the bond i hold with my sweet son transcends that of the physical universe. i sense him in the world even though he is far from me just as i am certain he senses me in return.

bearing my son is truly the most monumental achievement of my life. i cannot fathom anything overcoming creating another person in the world! to know Gavin is to love him as most people do even when he isn't at his best. for such a young man, he's been through a great deal and i make it my mission to try and minimize the fallout for who knows the impact that may show up later in his lifetime. while i am far from being the best parent, i do my best by him at all times. he didn't ask to be in this world and i realize that my choices directly impact him, his childhood, & his life. i do my best to be selfless by him but knowing i am human, i do at times put myself first in somethings. mostly, it is his joy, life and happiness which propels me in my quest to be the best mother i can be to him. i take this responsibility with utmost importance, seriousness & silliness, as how can one have a child without engaging in the wonder of being silly?!

the first to leave was a dear, close friend to whom i could confide most anything. while i understand that he was struggling with his own horrifying trauma, i never anticipated that he'd need to part from me in order to find a way to heal and deal with losing his love so suddenly when all seemed so right in the world. without warning, his lover was snatched away from this life into the next leaving all of us who knew him with a great loss in our lives but none like my dear friend/brother who loved him most and best. after hearing him describe to me the instance his lover's passing, i was horrified myself but no one could possibly know that horror more than my dearest as he helplessly had to watch as his love died before his eyes right in the hospital where even they couldn't save him.

the second to leave me is the man i love best in this world since i truly believed that he is genuine and sincere when he told me that he really cared for me and ultimately that he loved me, too. this man was the first and only man since i was married that i'd fallen for because after my life experience with men, i trust none of them. it wasn't that i wanted too nor did i even really expect such a thing. i wouldn't have given it a second thought or look but i felt then as i still do now that God was doing something in our lives. i believed this man was an answer to my prayers to God for a life mate. i shared many things with him that i had never shared with another living soul as i seemed unable to keep from it. this great connection existed between us, but he clearly does not want such with me. it hurt the greatest because i was so sure of God and this person. how could i have been so wrong??? again!!! obviously, i am not able to choose a mate wisely and can't understand a fucking thing God says or doesn't. so now not only don't i trust men, but myself. the intuition that has seemed to keep me alive in this world failed me where this man is concerned and now i don't trust my inner voice anymore. it is a tragedy to not trust yourself.

after my rape 3 years ago this month, i had this same issue of trust with myself. the difference is that my rapist is a predator. he found out enough about me to use my own goodness against me. a terrible crime was committed against me by my rapist as his rape was intentional. he tricked me to make me vulnerable enough to get close too and then he dominated and controlled my body for a time while terrorizing me in the process. then he continued to do so over the next 3 days by trying to get close enough to do so again. thankfully, i had enough courage & strength to say NO! and sought the help i needed. he may have controlled the situation at the time, but i get to control me and the outcome of his attack. i choose life! i choose education, empowerment, and positive reinforcement for others who unfortunately must come after me. i march for it. i made a video for it. i will continue to do my part to give voice to this terrible crime against children, women and men. Sexual abuse & rape are wrong and a crime.

so this man i love more than any in the world who didn't ask for my love or my heart, pushes and pulls me to him and away still, but less now. i guess whatever purpose i served for a time in his life has been met. i continue to wrestle with whether these acts were intentional or not because that is where i have trouble with resolving things for myself. his words said one thing and his actions completely the opposite this time last year. this man who wasn't even free to pursue me but did until i loved him with all of me. love isn't like a light switch...you can't just turn it off and on. at least, it doesn't work that way for me. when i love, it is deep and genuine.

now, i run at the mere thought of such because how can i trust that anyone can truly love me? it began with my own biological father abandoning me before i was even born. that was the first deep wound to my soul which then grew when my mother failed to protect me from the men who molested me as a child. only this past year have i realized how deeply i resented her for not protecting me...her only daughter and a vulnerable, gregarious child who loved everyone then and still does despite the hell i have lived through and witnessed. i should be bitter and hateful, yet i am not. i choose love, light, laughter and life!!! it seems so simple, but yet i am still here alone in this life without the love i yearn for and a life mate to journey with me.

i do know who i am now though. i am fucking awesome! i'm beautiful inside and out, intelligent, well-read, gregarious, silly, sassy, smart-assed, compassionate, loving, a survivor & thriver, a great mom, a woman of principle, honest, forthright, sensual, passionate, tardy alot, intense, spiritual, fierce with the heart of a lioness, a fighter, and vulnerable. i will continue to live and love despite my enemies and my weakness. there is no shame in having emotion and showing them. there is great strength in allowing one's self to be vulnerable. how can you stretch and grow if you continue to close yourself off from the world and others? be yielding. be vulnerable. be love.

fear and loathing in nashvegas

i am awake again...this ever exhausting insomnia that strips me of my liveliness and good humor. it simply boils down to fear...of the unknown at this point, of loneliness, & of failing. sometimes i hate myself for being afraid and weak. i loath myself for being vulnerable and wanting love and affection. why is all this so complicated? love should be easy and free. so many take but won't reciprocate so my tank grows empty and dry. somehow i manage to renew and keep on giving, but i so desperately want to receive it,too! i got a freakin cat for heaven's sake just to have something to love and cuddle at the end of the day. so sad...

trying SO hard to mend my soul but it is a tough job. making some great strides though. i shared my story in group last week without even one tear or breakdown. when i was finished, you could nearly hear a pin drop. it was strange because usually we all ask questions, but somehow i feel like the group was a bit overwhelmed with my tale. i don't see my story as nearly as bad as some of the others...being rapped nightly by their fathers or brothers to me is far worse. one of the counselors did point out that the violence i had been subjected too my entire life was enough to give me PTSD without even the sexual assaults and rape. i guess, i had not ever considered that.

Lisa, my counselor, sent me the kindest note today telling me how much my strength and courage is helping our group. i don't see it that way. i think we are all an integral part of the whole process. i gain new wisdom and understanding from everyone there. we're all amazing people...women!

for the life of me, i can't figure out why i seem to be so unworthy of love from a man. why am i so repulsive? how come i am not worth the effort to build a wonderful relationship and life with? what is broken in me? i pray daily that God will help me see my flaw because i truly don't want to die alone but each day it seems more likely that is the way it will happen. i know i came in this world naked and alone but i have always been optimistic that it isn't how i would go out of it.

i thought i finally met someone who understood me. it was all a lie. if i can't tell truth from fiction, then i am fuct. this means i will either never trust anyone again or i will have to put myself out there blindly praying that i don't end up a victim.

i don't understand why men can't just be who they are. i am not trying to be anything i am not. hell, i get rejected all the time but that doesn't mean that i am worthless. i was rejected when i was thin, before i was born and after by my own father...time and again in fact. why am i so easy to abandon? that is the hardest part for me to figure out. i wish i knew the answer. maybe it isn't me at all but them?! are there really no true real men in the world who can be themselves and be loving and committed? it's as though i am asking for the moon on a silver platter or something. i am not! i just want someone genuine and real who will stay the course with me. life is a journey...highs, lows and all in between.

i want a partner!!! God do you hear me?! do you even care?!?! i have loved you since i was a small girl, but somehow i just get more and more hurt the more i love and open myself. i am so tired... if only...

just one thing...

sometimes when life is crumbling around you and you're lost, you just need ONE thing to keep you holding on. it could be one thing you know you do well. a person that means the world to you. one reason for being or even getting up in the morning. thankfully, people who don't even know what wonderful thing they were doing for me when they put their faith in me, will reap what they have sown. it is important for me to show the people who touch my life for the better even in the most seemingly insignificant ways to know how much i cherish them.

depression is real and people hurt. some wounds are new and others are old and buried but still festering poisoning you slowly. no matter how far down you think you have buried it or gotten "over it", if you never truly dealt with it...guess what? it is STILL THERE!

that is what i am dealing with now...crimes against me as a very young child that left an indelible blueprint upon my life that i am working hard to change. it is important for me to succeed because i want to stop the pattern and break the cycle for this sort of crime in my family and in society at large. children are innocent and precious. they need to be treated as such. our children are our MOST precious resource. ALL CHILDREN!!! children need love and discipline and love and more LOVE!

one never knows where a bit of joy might come from. i relish these serendipitous instances because i need them! we ALL need them. these days with reality being so rough, we seek ways to escape for a bit at a time to take a break. even that isn't enough sometimes. my good friends Lolly & Larry let me join their family for a hour of sledding and it was the most fun i had in weeks! i'm sure to them it didn't seem like a big deal but for me it was mammoth. i'm lonely and miss my child and the bit of family i have even though they give new meaning to dysfunctional. it felt great to feel part of a group of loving, happy folks. i needed it so much. my thanks seem so insignificant for what i received. i love them all for being so open and including me when i was in need. not to mention Lolly's great effort to snap photos of our crazy adventure. priceless to me! that brief interlude will resonate with me for years to come.

Love and live like it is your last moment here.

walking the tightrope between heaven and hell

this is the best description for my life these days. i am working diligently to heal some old, deep dark wounds within my soul. it's pretty fucking awful at times and others most refreshing. i yearn for the day that this is all just a mild blip on my memory radar in life. first i have to make it through.

i finally spoke to my mom about the sexual abuse i suffered as a child on thursday night after group. i feel like i've been in sort of a fog since then. she apologized to me for not seeing it or being there. Mom is sorry it happened as she was sexually abused by her step-dad as a child herself. i couldn't help always wondering how she couldn't see the change in me. what else would make a vivacious, imaginative child become more quiet, contemplative and somewhat invisible? looking at my photos from school, one can't help but see the distinct difference in my kindergarten photo versus my 2nd grade photo.

i started kindergarten in Wisconsin. walking to school in snow taller than you are can be a bit scary, but i made it! first grade was hell and i was always in trouble. then we moved to dumfries, virgina where i went to school in 2nd grade and life was better for a while. i played in a cemetery there. it was peaceful and i felt safe there. dead people cannot hurt you. i am making myself remember all this stuff because this Thursday i have to share my story in group. it will be difficult and i know i feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. right now all i want to do is escape all this for a while.

"Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away
I've got to
Get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me"

i am checking out for a while now but i will finish this because i must to heal completely.

tough one...

today (Thursday) has been rough...woke up to a refrigerator that had gone out. it was raining. i'm sleep deprived severely and anxious about my upcoming surgery. miss my child terribly and counting the days until he's back home for 3 weeks. work work work work...never ending. i miss painting. crying myself to sleep sounds like the best bet at this point as long as i am up and at it again by 7 am. TGIF

Saddened but no regrets

Why is it that some people feel it is their right &/or job to control
other people? What is wrong with the picture when someone tries to
tell you what you can say, who you can be friends with, where you
should go and that you should be “invisible” in their presence? What
the fuck!?

Why be in their presence in the first place then? If a
person is SO threatened by the vitality and life force of another
individual, then it would seem obvious that they themselves harbor
self-confidence &/or esteem issues.

Since I began my individual and group therapy several months ago to
work through some very personal wounds and scars, I have truly become
more aware of not only my own behavior but that of other people as
well. I have found in life that karma will come back around to you.

I have learned that some behaviors are self-destructive, while
others are healthy. I aspire to only do those things which will foster
love, growth, positive energy & life. These are the things that I
cherish and hold dear to my heart and soul.

My soul has been wrought with eyes like swiss cheese, yet I persevere! I thrive despite those who seek to snuff out my light. My life force is strong as is my heart and love. I am genuine with nothing or no one to hide or fear. I am and will continue to be me despite those who would oppress me due to their own insecurity, selfishness, ignorance, stupidity and/or judgement. Be who you are and not a sheep.