fear and loathing in nashvegas

i am awake again...this ever exhausting insomnia that strips me of my liveliness and good humor. it simply boils down to fear...of the unknown at this point, of loneliness, & of failing. sometimes i hate myself for being afraid and weak. i loath myself for being vulnerable and wanting love and affection. why is all this so complicated? love should be easy and free. so many take but won't reciprocate so my tank grows empty and dry. somehow i manage to renew and keep on giving, but i so desperately want to receive it,too! i got a freakin cat for heaven's sake just to have something to love and cuddle at the end of the day. so sad...

trying SO hard to mend my soul but it is a tough job. making some great strides though. i shared my story in group last week without even one tear or breakdown. when i was finished, you could nearly hear a pin drop. it was strange because usually we all ask questions, but somehow i feel like the group was a bit overwhelmed with my tale. i don't see my story as nearly as bad as some of the others...being rapped nightly by their fathers or brothers to me is far worse. one of the counselors did point out that the violence i had been subjected too my entire life was enough to give me PTSD without even the sexual assaults and rape. i guess, i had not ever considered that.

Lisa, my counselor, sent me the kindest note today telling me how much my strength and courage is helping our group. i don't see it that way. i think we are all an integral part of the whole process. i gain new wisdom and understanding from everyone there. we're all amazing people...women!

for the life of me, i can't figure out why i seem to be so unworthy of love from a man. why am i so repulsive? how come i am not worth the effort to build a wonderful relationship and life with? what is broken in me? i pray daily that God will help me see my flaw because i truly don't want to die alone but each day it seems more likely that is the way it will happen. i know i came in this world naked and alone but i have always been optimistic that it isn't how i would go out of it.

i thought i finally met someone who understood me. it was all a lie. if i can't tell truth from fiction, then i am fuct. this means i will either never trust anyone again or i will have to put myself out there blindly praying that i don't end up a victim.

i don't understand why men can't just be who they are. i am not trying to be anything i am not. hell, i get rejected all the time but that doesn't mean that i am worthless. i was rejected when i was thin, before i was born and after by my own father...time and again in fact. why am i so easy to abandon? that is the hardest part for me to figure out. i wish i knew the answer. maybe it isn't me at all but them?! are there really no true real men in the world who can be themselves and be loving and committed? it's as though i am asking for the moon on a silver platter or something. i am not! i just want someone genuine and real who will stay the course with me. life is a journey...highs, lows and all in between.

i want a partner!!! God do you hear me?! do you even care?!?! i have loved you since i was a small girl, but somehow i just get more and more hurt the more i love and open myself. i am so tired... if only...