apathy and the edge of sanity

is where I am slowly slipping it would seem anymore. I am exhausted in all ways possible with NO end in sight and so alone. For all the hours I have spent loving others and doing for others and now I find myself in this God forsaken reality with NO ONE save Crystal and my therapist to turn too. I am over it. No one could love my son more than I do...NO ONE, but he is draining the very life out of me. The doctor tells me to STOP doing for him but that is easier said than done. I am a firm, disciplinarian. That shit only goes so far when your kid frankly doesn't care what you take from him or ground him or even spank him. Nothing works!

I can drug him and take him to therapy weekly, but still it isn't fixing whatever the "problem" is that is so vague and no one can seem to tell me what is causing it. It is a brain disorder? Learning disability? Is he just fucking nuts like most of my family tree??? Hell, who knows...I just know I am near my breaking point. Most days I don't even want to get up anymore...what is the point?

Now, he's missing his Dad and I can't make the fucker come here. He wouldn't even come when I Gav was hospitalized. Why must I keep paying for his father's choices? It's fucking frustrating and I am trying SO hard to be loving and caring and taking the high road. my son's selfishness reminds me of his father to the point I am beginning to loathe such in him...not the child but the behavior. He's still just 9 so I remind myself of that constantly...as I just yelled at him to get BACK IN THE BED. It has been 3 hrs now and I'm worn out to the point of tears. I hate myself for not holding up better but I'm just beaten down and weary.

I am beginning to really dislike most people because no one seems to give a fucking care in the world about me or anyone else. I push myself out of my comfort zone to help those I see struggling daily even when I am myself, yet rarely if ever does that happen to me.

Apathy will be the demise of this world and I fear I am slowly succumbing to it... HELP ME!

Manifest Destiny 2011 part 1

knock, knock, Penny! KNOCK! KNOCK!

yes, God, YOU finally have my undivided attention. i have been seeing the pieces of the puzzle but couldn't see the big picture. it is now becoming clearer...

every trial, tribulation and valley, we have clawed my way out of and each mountain climbed has led to this moment right here in my life. as i stood in the shower with the fan on and the water pouring over my body from hot to figid, i started to see the pieces differently and now i think i have the big picture YOU wanted me to see. silly me...how could i have not seen it?! it was right there in front of me...

i am now writing my manifesto...this will take a while as some things i do NOT wish to recall but i must to move forward. no going back, no standing still, only moving...progressing.

as a woman of great strength and unwaivering determination, YOU made me to be my best in the fire...right in the heat of battle. when i am back to the wall and no where to go, I FIGHT it out...good, bad & ugly. i see that this is what is needed to make the seemingly impossible possible and reality. i have a vast network of WONDERFUL people, friends, angels some of them waiting in the wings to step in when i am down to my last breath. THANK YOU!

like any tale you must start at the beginning...

on August 13, 2000 as i crossed the parking lot of Cat's Music after getting Angi Aparo's The American CD for Todd as he had requested, a remarkable occurence took place. i was nearly run over by a MAMMOTH old bondo gray Ford pick up truck such as you'd find on a working farm as the young man driving the truck was dropping off his girlfriend who he must have been truly in love with because he got so caught up in kissing her good-bye that he let his foot off the brake and the truck nearly crushed me.

i felt the looming over my right shoulder...this uncanny sense of impending doom...my Spicey sense going off...DANGER! DANGER! it was a split second...less than the time it would take me to breathe. somehow i noted the threat taking in massive amounts of details in an instant. the panicked look on the young fella's face, the horror on the young woman's, and suddenly i was on the other side of the truck.

how did i get there? how did it happen that i was safe? i can't tell you even though i was there and quite conscious. it was like i blinked and i was safe. that feeling stayed with me the rest of the day...doomed then safe...ALIVE even. i laid down to sleep that night & as my head hit the pillow, i was truly alive and grateful for it like i had been in a coma for some time and suddenly awakened. when my eyes snapped open that Monday morning, again i felt .i am alive and i am not doing what i am supposed to do with my life!

i decided i was going to college. in 1992, i threw away a full ride Presidential Scholarship to Austin Peay for the man i loved, Todd Tyler, Gavin's father. i swore i'd go back to college and finish. it was 8 yrs later and i had not did what i said i would, yet. i got online, found out Nashville Tech offered a degree in Visual Communication: Graphic Design. i knew that is what i wished to pursue. i went to the school, applied, registered, paid my fees with our credit card, bought my books, and got my class schedule.

On Thursday, August 17, 2000...4 days later, i was in class working on my first degree. it pissed Todd off that i'd done this for myself without consulting him. he scoffed and laughed at me telling me i would never make a living or decent money in my chosen field.our marriage was listing and on the verge of capsizing so no matter how i tried to explain it all, he simply didn't get it. not my problem... i didn't listen. my mission was in progress and there was NO chance of deviation this time. i still am today...mission is just changing.

i moved in with Michelle and Beth on Stoneway Trail (the first time) at the end of that month when Todd decided to go on an overnight trip to Ohio with my now Sister In Law just the two of them sharing a hotel room...this woman my brother had only known not yet 2 months. fuck it...i had things to accomplish and put myself first for once in a very long time.

a month later, Todd begged me to come home. i was working in Youth Evangelism at the Executive Board of the TN Baptist Convention in Brentwood, TN aka The HOLY Hill. i returned to our house to rework things in our marriage. the first of October, i came upon a job opportunity that would allow me to take classes full-time during the day meaning i could get my degree faster! downside, $3000 pay cut on an already low salary and i would work nights.

after discussing it with Todd and trusting him, i quit my job at TBC and went to work as a technical clerk at NSCC's computer help desk for $17,000 annually with benefits. 6 days a week, 13 hours a day i was Nashville State Technical Institute working or in classes with NO down time. time was precious and vital as i was a woman on a mission to get my degree and do something i loved for a change. i wasn't wrong...it was what i was supposed to do at the time. it was a mission not without its constant struggles and battles.

on Nov 6, 2000, i arrived home from work at the help desk at 9:30 pm like usual. Todd told me when i walked in that he was divorcing me. his reason was simply he was tired of being married. no other woman. no exact reason...just after 6 1/2 yrs of marriage, tired of being married. after 9 1/2 yrs together, tired of being a couple with me...tired of me. wtf?!

i held it together pretty well for 3 days, but on Nov 9, 2000 on the way home from school/work, I stopped at Mr. Whiskers to get a little liquid refreshment. i bought 3 - fifths of liquor, things i've never had before...one being blackberry something is all i recall of that. when i got home, i poured a drink to sip and unwind, but then Todd started in about something and i just began to hurt from the inside out. it was like i was literally being ripped apart at my seams from the inside out. i guess it was my heart truly breaking as the realization that it was truly over hit me. GAME OVER!

somehow, i thought after a few days Todd would come to his senses, yet no amount of talking, reasoning, imploring, and finally begging...yes, i actually got down on my knees and begged Todd not to throw it (me) away. perhaps that was my breaking point because i had a headache and i physically hurt all over. i went to get a pain killer my mom had left me on her last visit for migraines i suffer. she knew the medicine i took was expensive so she left me some of hers that she got through medcaide to tide me over. i drank more and took another pill after a while because it still hurt all over. i felt i was surely dying so i drank more & took all the pills one by one until they were all gone all while trying to reason with Todd. finally, i just gave up. i told him he'd be sorry when i was gone and i went to bed at some point because i don't remember anything after that.

at 3 am i awoke on all fours in the middle of our king-sized bed thinking i was really dying. screaming for Todd to help me and to call an ambulance because i was the sickest i have ever been in my life next to a heinous reaction to shellfish at age 19. it was in flashes...i think i would throw up and pass out in it on the bed. i don't recall it all, but i know Todd was mad and mean as hell during the entire ordeal. again i finally said, "FUCK IT! and just prayed to not wake up.

at 8:30 am on Nov 10, 2000, i awoke...again i had that feeling of i am alive, i am not dead. GET THE FUCK UP, Penny! i called Michelle and told her everything...left nothing unsaid. then I did the same with Anne. the begged me to call my doctor, i refused as i knew he'd lock me up and i was clearly thinking again. knew just what to do.

Anne came right over and we packed my entire house the two of us...everything but Todd's stuff. i even took the nails out of the wall like the Grinch as i sang the theme song from the cartoon. Fuck Todd. he's nearly killed me...negative...critical...control-freak...get away now! i left never to look back. in a way, i wish i could say it was the end of me and Todd, but then i wouldn't have Gavin. back to Stoneway Trail and Michelle, the woman who loved me dearly and unconditionally as a sister i never had., i went which was best for me.

end of this segment...

Christmas season with a Paranoid Schizophrenic...my Mom

This has to be the most SURREAL day ever in my existence to date...

After leaving my Mom at the Mental Health Coop Crisis Care Center last night, she strolls into the house today like nothing happened. I ask her what the Dr. said & she tells me she has an appt next Monday. That is it. She eats a bowl of noodles

, but still appears hungry as I prepare lunch for Gavin so I offer her some. She accepts it and devours it. All seems well for about 1 1/2 to 2 hrs. Then the fun begins again...

I finally get her Dr. on the phone at 4 pm and very THOROUGHLY give her my Mom's 20 yr history of paranoid Schizophrenia & Depression in a brief 30 minute exchange. FINALLY, she understands that my Mom is FAR WORSE than they e

ven knew and isn't on the adequate medication to help her from losing her footing in our reality. Dr tells me to take her BACK to MHCC for them to likely admit her. I told her I would make it happen as I skillfully craft a plan of action in my head.

What they haven't yet figured out is that I didn't just get all my wit, intellect and stubborn will out of thin air...I did acquire this all from my Mother so she is NO easy rabbit to trap. I invited her to go to Pancakes with Santa for supper and then on to Gavin's Cub Scout Troop's project to carol at the McKendree Retirement Center & give the residents hand-painted Christmas cards. Once finished there, I meant to make a fast break of it to Metro Center to the Crisis Center. Ahead of time, I had gathered all her medication & deposited it in the car to avoid detection. My Mom might be crazy, but that bitch is still MORE paranoid and watches EVERY move you make.

All went according to plan, exactly...UNTIL she realized where we were heading. Then she started losing her shit. First she began telling me what she would & wouldn't do. That changed to belittling me and calling me a prostitute (her psychosis revolves around religion & sex...go figure) again only this time in front of my child instead of the entire Mental Health Coop. We get off the exit & I proceed down the road almost to the first of two turns I need to make to the center when she tries to open the door...which I had counted on and had locked with child proof lock. What I DIDN'T consider is that the wily crazy-bitch would manually unlock the door at lightning speed, fling the door open and order me to stop & let her out. It caught me off guard & I slowed slightly. What transpired next was truly like something from a movie...

As I made the left turn, my 57 yr old mother like psychotic Evel Knievel leaps from my car at my 25-30 mph slamming into the pavement flat on her face and laying there like a chalk outline. Gavin is speechless and eyes are popping out of his lil head as I throw my Element into park and jump out running to her. I am almost to Mom as a car behind me screeches to a halt to avoid hitting her while the driver queries if she's ok. Suddenly my Mother jumps to her feet and dashes down the street like a deranged gingerbread man! WTF???!!! I think as in my mind I can hear her shouting, "Catch me if you can!"

I simultaneously explain the situation to the witness while I call the police for assistance. Gavin is so stunned that he never even thinks to exit the car which is most unusual for my child. The very kind and understanding woman who stopped is most sympathetic about our situation and gives me her information as I wait for the police to arrive. I watch my Mom make it a block and a half to 2 blocks before she reaches the intersection & stops to smoke and pace. After a while she comes back while we are there waiting and agrees to get into the car with me and go to the center. I figure that she understands that it will be MUCH easier to go on her own than to be cuffed and dragged in.

We got into the car as I called the police dispatcher back to just have them meet us at the center while Mom continues to ramble on about her displeasure with all of this. She never seemed to miss a beat, nor seemed at all dazed. I'm sitting there thinking, "OMG! You just jumped out of my fucking moving car!!!" Very calmly I park and instruct Gavin to get out with me. He's very cautiously eying his Nana. After all he just witnessed, he will never see her as the same sweet Nana again.

They called in a second officer to keep watch as she was considered a flight risk. The others in the center commented that my Mom must be a doozy at that. Here is this seemingly sweet older smallish frail looking woman who needs two armed police men near to keep all safe & well. After talking with her and getting my statements, the crisis counselors consulted her doctor & they decided to admit her to Vanderbilt Psychiatric Hospital.

They allowed Mom to go smoke while the police officer stayed close to her as they explained to Gavin & me they were admitting her. MHCC said we could wait but it would be perfectly ok if we left now. They told me they weren't telling her anything until they were ready to have the police officers take her to the hospital in order to keep her calm. I knew this was their way of telling us kindly it would be better to go ahead & leave. I certainly didn't want Gavin to see anything worse.

I told Gavin to hug her & tell her he loved her & good-bye. He wasn't feeling most compliant. I told him that I wouldn't allow any disrespect that she is still my Mom & his Nana & we love her. Gavin did much better on his second run. As I hugged my Mam...the only one I have in the world...I began to weep as I told her how I loved her and implored her to do as they asked. Begged her to take her medication.

Her hardness broke for a minute as she told me not to cry & hugged me. I felt worse at that like taking some poor dog to the kill shelter. I know it is for her own good & safety and all of ours. Blindly, I made for Gavin & the door just reaching the frigid air as the door snapped locking behind me before my sobs broke out. I missed a step and nearly fell dropping my purse while my dear sweet child grabbed my elbow to steady me and patted my back as I regained enough composure to drive us home.

I am blessed to have such a compassionate & loving child. Riding home I asked Gavin if he was freaked out and very calmly he said, "On a scale of 1 to 10 with 10 being freaked out of my mind, I am a 6, Mom." I assured him that was normal and that I was VERY proud of him for holding up so well. I asked him to tell me if he had any thoughts, observations or questions about all that had just happened. He said he had none. Gavin is a strong, wise child in many ways, yet fragile like someone else we all know...

As my mother screamed at me last night & tonight on the way there how I was abandoning her again, I knew I had to save myself & child first. She cannot comprehend that I am helping her and trying to save her, too. It fillets my soul to hear her screams in reality and as they haunt my dreams. Dear God, please just give me peace and for my dear crazy Mother as well. Amen.

my burden to bear is a love I can't carry anymore

it is my humble opinion that as people we are called to love each other unconditionally no matter what just as Jesus would. this is a lofty goal & great burden at times but doable. many times i am grossly misunderstood, yet my intentions are only positive & good and my heart pure with love. i am horribly flawed and most unworthy and i'm certainly not in poor company.

as i struggle daily to be sure that i make decisions that i can honestly live with each day, i realize that there are times when my choices might be unwise or flat out ridiculous! thankfully as i grow older, more mature and gain better knowledge, i seek to understand as much as i possibly can in this life. i am curious. i ask lots of questions.

i care truly about others. my heart is so huge & heavy for loving others because i didn't receive that love i needed as a child that i find it easier to love the seemingly "unlovable" than the majority of people. often i will give away all that i have in me so that there is nothing left to keep myself going. i realize this is destructive, yet i have faith that i will be renewed. 37 years later, i am still here. living. breathing. dying by each moment that passes. i do not fear death as it holds no dominion over me. once you stare deeply into the darkness and cheat it, beat it or simply aren't permitted to go, you realize there is nothing to fear.

so tired. i pray often for this life to end for me because i know there is rest on the other side. i won't be going until it is time, yet many days i awaken and ask, is this the day?

cycle of life

Wednesday started out like any other day with great potential and possibility. It did not disappoint or fail to give us new insight, knowledge and experiences from which to draw great value & meaning of life.

I awakened late from some treacherous nightmares that lurked in the background of my soul today with great uneasiness, but I arose determined to make the most of it like I do the majority of days. Work was the usual work...an abundance of rapid activity with unreasonable expectations and even more ridiculous deadlines. Our society has truly grown to one of we wanted that not just yesterday but last week! Such is the nature of commercial printing and pretty much everything else it would seem but government. Why does it appear that government takes its sweet time to accomplish anything?! But as I was saying, despite the nagging discomfort from the shadows of my slumber, I jumped into my work with tenacity & blew it all out of the water today like usual. I even managed to keep my desk exceptionally orderly which is NO easy task, particularly in our business!

As we are in the full swing of the political elections, the demands for direct mail postcards, fliers and brochures about whom can do the better job and how crummy the OTHER candidates are has me literally running about from the time I step into the building until I flee in the afternoon. Such was the usual when I received a text from my Mom that Gavin had experienced his first true loss of life...Scottchie, our beloved hamster, had died. OH NO! I texted back quickly to inquire how Gavin was taking it. Not well as my Mom rapidly replied that Gavin was "freaking out". This was at about 4 pm and I am supposed to be off work at 4:30 pm, but usually I never leave the building before 5 and usually much later than that! I called home quickly to distinguish for myself just how bad Gav was taking it.

Gavin seemed to be very terse on the phone and sounded rather angry which struck me as odd. I'd expected weepy or sullen. I assured him that I was leaving work "on time" today and would be right home. Gavin told me he didn't know what to do about Scottchie and I assured him that I would take care of what needed to be done when I got home. I explained that I would bring home a small business card box so we could put him to rest properly in the backyard.

By now it is 4:10 and I have a client I refer to as "crazy” because she's truly next to impossible to work with, but such is life and I make the best of it. Earlier she'd sent over a job that she needed "immediately" for some candidate only I look over the purchase order & the PDF of the print job to see that the specs DO NOT match the files. I hastily relay this information back to her only to get an email telling me that it is all correct. Exasperated and a bit incredulous, I quip over the wall to my sales rep that "crazy" has really fallen off the wagon this time because apples do not oranges make! My sales rep found that amusing then told me I must stand my ground on this as clearly I was right, like I EVER need to be told to stand my ground on anything... At this point, I could give less than a damn about this whole thing because I know my dear sweet son is at home trying to comprehend the fact that his dear hamster has for no apparent reason expired!

I'd told “crazy” that I had to leave at 4:30 today so sure enough at 4:28 I get an email & a corrected PO stating that she was indeed wrong. DUH!!! It's not rocket surgery people, just paper and ink!!! I sent her a polite reply that I'd get right on it first thing tomorrow and got the hell out of there after procuring the necessary box to bury Scottchie in.

Driving home, I called Gav's Dad to fill him in on Scottchie's untimely demise. To my knowledge Gavin had not yet had to deal with the death of anything he loved dearly and I confirmed that with his Dad since Gavin had lived in Utah with him last year. More discussion about Gavin's new school & medication and how he is progressing helped pass the 20 minute drive home in rush hour traffic until finally I was pulling into my spot at home.

Gavin was ok at first when I got home, but he had dirt on his face and was very tense and somewhat agitated. I instructed him to go shower as he was such a mess. While he was in the shower, I went to see to poor Scottchie as I'd told Gav to just put a towel or pillow case over the cage until I could get home to see to him. Scottchie was in his cage like always and just looked like he was sleeping. I could hardly believe as I reached in there to get him that he truly wasn't alive. I wrapped him gently in tissue and put him into the little blue box as I thought it would be easier on Gavin not to have to see all this. It was then that the sobbing began in the bathroom and I dashed in there to check on Gavin. He was standing there forlornly in the middle of the tub sobbing his little heart out. As a Mother, my heart broke into a million pieces and I would have done anything in this world to bring that little puff of fur back to life just for his sake. Alas, death is part of the cycle of life and one that isn't so easy to digest nor accept and understand.

I did my best to comfort him from outside the shower and just about nearly said screw it and got in there clothes and all to hold him as he wept. I thought better of it because the truth is that sometimes it is much better to just let it all out. I found it equally ironic that he had found the shower to be the best place for such as I have in my own times of sorrow and frustration. As I waited downstairs with Mama for Gavin to finish up showering & sobbing, we discussed the events of the day. When the shower went off, I climbed the stairs to see my sweet but wet naked child still weeping. So I grabbed some clean fluffy towels to swaddle him in like I did when he was a baby and pulled him into my chest to comfort him. There we stood for what seemed a good hour but I'm sure was only some minutes. Eventually, Gavin quieted down and I dried his hair with another towel and wiped his tear streaked swollen face before sending him into his room to dress. I explained that I had already gotten Scottchie out of the cage & prepared to put to rest in our backyard. That seemed to relieve him a bit. Gavin said we should hurry to get him buried as he didn't want Scottchie to get cold outside and I used every bit of strength within me right then to not break down and bawl my head off, too.

Somehow, we managed to get Gav's homework done and finally I decided to make myself go get us dinner even though no one felt like eating really. We got into bed early and at some point in the night Gavin crept into my bed rambling about something that I couldn't recall if I wanted, too. He's been restless and hence I am awake and writing this.

I was 6 when my Grandpa Rickart passed away. We would sit out on the ice in Wisconsin ice fishing for hours...he fishing and me chatting away incessantly about any & everything. I swear he must have had the patience of Job or was deaf! The Christmas before he passed, I had insisted that we get him a new parka because I did NOT like him being out there in that cold and not being warm enough. So relentless I was about this that my stepdad & Mom did get Grandpa the new coat that year. When he died, I put on the giant parka which smelled like him and wrapped myself in the massive thing to comfort myself since he was now gone from this world. Somehow I knew he was in a better place, but I can't say how, yet I missed him. He was the first person to ever seem to truly listen to me...what I thought and answering my relentless questions about life and the world for I was a very curious 6 year old girl. I am still the same girl...just 31 years older and having to comfort my own sweet child in his time of sorrow.

Soul hemorrhage

UGH! I still fell raw inside like someone took a meat grinder to my heart. My only comfort is that I know karma will catch up with this man who so charmingly stole my heart and then raped my soul. BASTARD!

Worked really hard to get over him. I think maybe it was just off timing. I've had a really awful couple of months and no matter what avenue I go, I'm cut off. Nothing I try is working in ANY avenue of my life. Sitting still is NEVER an option for me. Might as well just kill me. Impatient as hell for sure.

Lately, people are heaping compliments upon me when all I can think is what a shitty job I am doing as a provider for my son & disabled Mother. My bills are behind. I'm working an insane amount at work with NO overtime pay as I'm salaried. I just need a breakthrough...one tiny little niche to see my way through. Even going back to college didn't work out for this fall. I was SO looking forward to taking one or two classes. It would give me something to look forward, too, right now. Presently, there is simply nothing good happening.

I hate myself...truly. While some folks tell me how awesome I am, my two best friends in the world, Michelle & Anne, have left me. I must really be fucked up at this rate. Part of me wants to paint again, but the other half thinks it won't do any good.

I've considered updating all my legal documents...living will, power of attorney, & will. I am really worth more dead than alive and frankly, I am sick of struggling to survive much less really LIVE my life with deliberation and sucking the marrow out of it. Nothing is really fun or joyful anymore. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication so I know it's not either of those things. Really, I am sick of struggling through my life all alone.

While doing all I can to help Gavin with his issues, I realize that I am directly responsible for his problems. He's still torn up about the divorce...he even calls it "Our" divorce. Now, after a few years of utilizing, researching and studying all other options, he's been diagnosed with ADD and having to take medicine for it. He's going to have to change schools mid-year and go to one that has a special education program to assist him with his issues. My fucked up genetics and crazy family are directly responsible for his troubles. I have failed my only child.

I weighed out for years whether to have children only to get knocked up on the pill. There was NO other option then as I could not murder my child. So I saw it as God's will that he is here. Why God entrusted ME of all people with a child is beyond me. I barely manage to take care of myself these days. Thus, leading to even more self-loathing & hate. Someone ought to kill my pathetic ass for not being a better Mom, daughter, friend, employee.

What's this life for??? It just makes me feel more inferior and defunct than ever. I pray daily to just die anymore. I know God can do this...I just can't have it on my conscience that I took my own life but only for Gavin's sake. He deserves so much better than me. Gav wants a father so badly and I can't even get a date much less have a long term relationship that leads to marriage. God, please for the love of YOURSELF, end this ridiculous BS because I'm so fucking tired anymore that I can't sleep...even with the medication. I can't give my own child the essentials in life anymore so I'm no longer of value. Please help end this!!!

Be still my heart

‎"Be still my heart; thou hast known worse than this...But curb thou the high spirit in thy breast, for gentle ways are best, and keep aloof from sharp contentions." -Homer

In an instant today, my mosaic heart reconstructed painstakingly, again shattered into a billion shards of hope, friendship & love long lost leaving me desolate, broken & bereft with just one look. How I managed to converse and make any coherent sense, I am sure to not ever know. But as I drove away, my soul dissolved into a lake of tears, pain and loneliness all over again.

It is a thin line between love and hate. Oh how I wish I could hate, but I banished that from me back in 2000 because love bears ALL things. I loathe myself for still loving him when I know I was nothing to him.

WTF is wrong with me?! I know better...I am better. I feel like cutting my beating heart from my chest this instant and would if I were certain that is what would make it all go away...