Soul hemorrhage

UGH! I still fell raw inside like someone took a meat grinder to my heart. My only comfort is that I know karma will catch up with this man who so charmingly stole my heart and then raped my soul. BASTARD!

Worked really hard to get over him. I think maybe it was just off timing. I've had a really awful couple of months and no matter what avenue I go, I'm cut off. Nothing I try is working in ANY avenue of my life. Sitting still is NEVER an option for me. Might as well just kill me. Impatient as hell for sure.

Lately, people are heaping compliments upon me when all I can think is what a shitty job I am doing as a provider for my son & disabled Mother. My bills are behind. I'm working an insane amount at work with NO overtime pay as I'm salaried. I just need a breakthrough...one tiny little niche to see my way through. Even going back to college didn't work out for this fall. I was SO looking forward to taking one or two classes. It would give me something to look forward, too, right now. Presently, there is simply nothing good happening.

I hate myself...truly. While some folks tell me how awesome I am, my two best friends in the world, Michelle & Anne, have left me. I must really be fucked up at this rate. Part of me wants to paint again, but the other half thinks it won't do any good.

I've considered updating all my legal documents...living will, power of attorney, & will. I am really worth more dead than alive and frankly, I am sick of struggling to survive much less really LIVE my life with deliberation and sucking the marrow out of it. Nothing is really fun or joyful anymore. I take anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medication so I know it's not either of those things. Really, I am sick of struggling through my life all alone.

While doing all I can to help Gavin with his issues, I realize that I am directly responsible for his problems. He's still torn up about the divorce...he even calls it "Our" divorce. Now, after a few years of utilizing, researching and studying all other options, he's been diagnosed with ADD and having to take medicine for it. He's going to have to change schools mid-year and go to one that has a special education program to assist him with his issues. My fucked up genetics and crazy family are directly responsible for his troubles. I have failed my only child.

I weighed out for years whether to have children only to get knocked up on the pill. There was NO other option then as I could not murder my child. So I saw it as God's will that he is here. Why God entrusted ME of all people with a child is beyond me. I barely manage to take care of myself these days. Thus, leading to even more self-loathing & hate. Someone ought to kill my pathetic ass for not being a better Mom, daughter, friend, employee.

What's this life for??? It just makes me feel more inferior and defunct than ever. I pray daily to just die anymore. I know God can do this...I just can't have it on my conscience that I took my own life but only for Gavin's sake. He deserves so much better than me. Gav wants a father so badly and I can't even get a date much less have a long term relationship that leads to marriage. God, please for the love of YOURSELF, end this ridiculous BS because I'm so fucking tired anymore that I can't sleep...even with the medication. I can't give my own child the essentials in life anymore so I'm no longer of value. Please help end this!!!