cycle of life

Wednesday started out like any other day with great potential and possibility. It did not disappoint or fail to give us new insight, knowledge and experiences from which to draw great value & meaning of life.

I awakened late from some treacherous nightmares that lurked in the background of my soul today with great uneasiness, but I arose determined to make the most of it like I do the majority of days. Work was the usual work...an abundance of rapid activity with unreasonable expectations and even more ridiculous deadlines. Our society has truly grown to one of we wanted that not just yesterday but last week! Such is the nature of commercial printing and pretty much everything else it would seem but government. Why does it appear that government takes its sweet time to accomplish anything?! But as I was saying, despite the nagging discomfort from the shadows of my slumber, I jumped into my work with tenacity & blew it all out of the water today like usual. I even managed to keep my desk exceptionally orderly which is NO easy task, particularly in our business!

As we are in the full swing of the political elections, the demands for direct mail postcards, fliers and brochures about whom can do the better job and how crummy the OTHER candidates are has me literally running about from the time I step into the building until I flee in the afternoon. Such was the usual when I received a text from my Mom that Gavin had experienced his first true loss of life...Scottchie, our beloved hamster, had died. OH NO! I texted back quickly to inquire how Gavin was taking it. Not well as my Mom rapidly replied that Gavin was "freaking out". This was at about 4 pm and I am supposed to be off work at 4:30 pm, but usually I never leave the building before 5 and usually much later than that! I called home quickly to distinguish for myself just how bad Gav was taking it.

Gavin seemed to be very terse on the phone and sounded rather angry which struck me as odd. I'd expected weepy or sullen. I assured him that I was leaving work "on time" today and would be right home. Gavin told me he didn't know what to do about Scottchie and I assured him that I would take care of what needed to be done when I got home. I explained that I would bring home a small business card box so we could put him to rest properly in the backyard.

By now it is 4:10 and I have a client I refer to as "crazy” because she's truly next to impossible to work with, but such is life and I make the best of it. Earlier she'd sent over a job that she needed "immediately" for some candidate only I look over the purchase order & the PDF of the print job to see that the specs DO NOT match the files. I hastily relay this information back to her only to get an email telling me that it is all correct. Exasperated and a bit incredulous, I quip over the wall to my sales rep that "crazy" has really fallen off the wagon this time because apples do not oranges make! My sales rep found that amusing then told me I must stand my ground on this as clearly I was right, like I EVER need to be told to stand my ground on anything... At this point, I could give less than a damn about this whole thing because I know my dear sweet son is at home trying to comprehend the fact that his dear hamster has for no apparent reason expired!

I'd told “crazy” that I had to leave at 4:30 today so sure enough at 4:28 I get an email & a corrected PO stating that she was indeed wrong. DUH!!! It's not rocket surgery people, just paper and ink!!! I sent her a polite reply that I'd get right on it first thing tomorrow and got the hell out of there after procuring the necessary box to bury Scottchie in.

Driving home, I called Gav's Dad to fill him in on Scottchie's untimely demise. To my knowledge Gavin had not yet had to deal with the death of anything he loved dearly and I confirmed that with his Dad since Gavin had lived in Utah with him last year. More discussion about Gavin's new school & medication and how he is progressing helped pass the 20 minute drive home in rush hour traffic until finally I was pulling into my spot at home.

Gavin was ok at first when I got home, but he had dirt on his face and was very tense and somewhat agitated. I instructed him to go shower as he was such a mess. While he was in the shower, I went to see to poor Scottchie as I'd told Gav to just put a towel or pillow case over the cage until I could get home to see to him. Scottchie was in his cage like always and just looked like he was sleeping. I could hardly believe as I reached in there to get him that he truly wasn't alive. I wrapped him gently in tissue and put him into the little blue box as I thought it would be easier on Gavin not to have to see all this. It was then that the sobbing began in the bathroom and I dashed in there to check on Gavin. He was standing there forlornly in the middle of the tub sobbing his little heart out. As a Mother, my heart broke into a million pieces and I would have done anything in this world to bring that little puff of fur back to life just for his sake. Alas, death is part of the cycle of life and one that isn't so easy to digest nor accept and understand.

I did my best to comfort him from outside the shower and just about nearly said screw it and got in there clothes and all to hold him as he wept. I thought better of it because the truth is that sometimes it is much better to just let it all out. I found it equally ironic that he had found the shower to be the best place for such as I have in my own times of sorrow and frustration. As I waited downstairs with Mama for Gavin to finish up showering & sobbing, we discussed the events of the day. When the shower went off, I climbed the stairs to see my sweet but wet naked child still weeping. So I grabbed some clean fluffy towels to swaddle him in like I did when he was a baby and pulled him into my chest to comfort him. There we stood for what seemed a good hour but I'm sure was only some minutes. Eventually, Gavin quieted down and I dried his hair with another towel and wiped his tear streaked swollen face before sending him into his room to dress. I explained that I had already gotten Scottchie out of the cage & prepared to put to rest in our backyard. That seemed to relieve him a bit. Gavin said we should hurry to get him buried as he didn't want Scottchie to get cold outside and I used every bit of strength within me right then to not break down and bawl my head off, too.

Somehow, we managed to get Gav's homework done and finally I decided to make myself go get us dinner even though no one felt like eating really. We got into bed early and at some point in the night Gavin crept into my bed rambling about something that I couldn't recall if I wanted, too. He's been restless and hence I am awake and writing this.

I was 6 when my Grandpa Rickart passed away. We would sit out on the ice in Wisconsin ice fishing for hours...he fishing and me chatting away incessantly about any & everything. I swear he must have had the patience of Job or was deaf! The Christmas before he passed, I had insisted that we get him a new parka because I did NOT like him being out there in that cold and not being warm enough. So relentless I was about this that my stepdad & Mom did get Grandpa the new coat that year. When he died, I put on the giant parka which smelled like him and wrapped myself in the massive thing to comfort myself since he was now gone from this world. Somehow I knew he was in a better place, but I can't say how, yet I missed him. He was the first person to ever seem to truly listen to me...what I thought and answering my relentless questions about life and the world for I was a very curious 6 year old girl. I am still the same girl...just 31 years older and having to comfort my own sweet child in his time of sorrow.