Manifest Destiny 2011 part 1

knock, knock, Penny! KNOCK! KNOCK!

yes, God, YOU finally have my undivided attention. i have been seeing the pieces of the puzzle but couldn't see the big picture. it is now becoming clearer...

every trial, tribulation and valley, we have clawed my way out of and each mountain climbed has led to this moment right here in my life. as i stood in the shower with the fan on and the water pouring over my body from hot to figid, i started to see the pieces differently and now i think i have the big picture YOU wanted me to see. silly me...how could i have not seen it?! it was right there in front of me...

i am now writing my manifesto...this will take a while as some things i do NOT wish to recall but i must to move forward. no going back, no standing still, only moving...progressing.

as a woman of great strength and unwaivering determination, YOU made me to be my best in the fire...right in the heat of battle. when i am back to the wall and no where to go, I FIGHT it out...good, bad & ugly. i see that this is what is needed to make the seemingly impossible possible and reality. i have a vast network of WONDERFUL people, friends, angels some of them waiting in the wings to step in when i am down to my last breath. THANK YOU!

like any tale you must start at the beginning...

on August 13, 2000 as i crossed the parking lot of Cat's Music after getting Angi Aparo's The American CD for Todd as he had requested, a remarkable occurence took place. i was nearly run over by a MAMMOTH old bondo gray Ford pick up truck such as you'd find on a working farm as the young man driving the truck was dropping off his girlfriend who he must have been truly in love with because he got so caught up in kissing her good-bye that he let his foot off the brake and the truck nearly crushed me.

i felt the looming over my right shoulder...this uncanny sense of impending doom...my Spicey sense going off...DANGER! DANGER! it was a split second...less than the time it would take me to breathe. somehow i noted the threat taking in massive amounts of details in an instant. the panicked look on the young fella's face, the horror on the young woman's, and suddenly i was on the other side of the truck.

how did i get there? how did it happen that i was safe? i can't tell you even though i was there and quite conscious. it was like i blinked and i was safe. that feeling stayed with me the rest of the day...doomed then safe...ALIVE even. i laid down to sleep that night & as my head hit the pillow, i was truly alive and grateful for it like i had been in a coma for some time and suddenly awakened. when my eyes snapped open that Monday morning, again i felt .i am alive and i am not doing what i am supposed to do with my life!

i decided i was going to college. in 1992, i threw away a full ride Presidential Scholarship to Austin Peay for the man i loved, Todd Tyler, Gavin's father. i swore i'd go back to college and finish. it was 8 yrs later and i had not did what i said i would, yet. i got online, found out Nashville Tech offered a degree in Visual Communication: Graphic Design. i knew that is what i wished to pursue. i went to the school, applied, registered, paid my fees with our credit card, bought my books, and got my class schedule.

On Thursday, August 17, 2000...4 days later, i was in class working on my first degree. it pissed Todd off that i'd done this for myself without consulting him. he scoffed and laughed at me telling me i would never make a living or decent money in my chosen field.our marriage was listing and on the verge of capsizing so no matter how i tried to explain it all, he simply didn't get it. not my problem... i didn't listen. my mission was in progress and there was NO chance of deviation this time. i still am today...mission is just changing.

i moved in with Michelle and Beth on Stoneway Trail (the first time) at the end of that month when Todd decided to go on an overnight trip to Ohio with my now Sister In Law just the two of them sharing a hotel room...this woman my brother had only known not yet 2 months. fuck it...i had things to accomplish and put myself first for once in a very long time.

a month later, Todd begged me to come home. i was working in Youth Evangelism at the Executive Board of the TN Baptist Convention in Brentwood, TN aka The HOLY Hill. i returned to our house to rework things in our marriage. the first of October, i came upon a job opportunity that would allow me to take classes full-time during the day meaning i could get my degree faster! downside, $3000 pay cut on an already low salary and i would work nights.

after discussing it with Todd and trusting him, i quit my job at TBC and went to work as a technical clerk at NSCC's computer help desk for $17,000 annually with benefits. 6 days a week, 13 hours a day i was Nashville State Technical Institute working or in classes with NO down time. time was precious and vital as i was a woman on a mission to get my degree and do something i loved for a change. i wasn't wrong...it was what i was supposed to do at the time. it was a mission not without its constant struggles and battles.

on Nov 6, 2000, i arrived home from work at the help desk at 9:30 pm like usual. Todd told me when i walked in that he was divorcing me. his reason was simply he was tired of being married. no other woman. no exact reason...just after 6 1/2 yrs of marriage, tired of being married. after 9 1/2 yrs together, tired of being a couple with me...tired of me. wtf?!

i held it together pretty well for 3 days, but on Nov 9, 2000 on the way home from school/work, I stopped at Mr. Whiskers to get a little liquid refreshment. i bought 3 - fifths of liquor, things i've never had before...one being blackberry something is all i recall of that. when i got home, i poured a drink to sip and unwind, but then Todd started in about something and i just began to hurt from the inside out. it was like i was literally being ripped apart at my seams from the inside out. i guess it was my heart truly breaking as the realization that it was truly over hit me. GAME OVER!

somehow, i thought after a few days Todd would come to his senses, yet no amount of talking, reasoning, imploring, and finally begging...yes, i actually got down on my knees and begged Todd not to throw it (me) away. perhaps that was my breaking point because i had a headache and i physically hurt all over. i went to get a pain killer my mom had left me on her last visit for migraines i suffer. she knew the medicine i took was expensive so she left me some of hers that she got through medcaide to tide me over. i drank more and took another pill after a while because it still hurt all over. i felt i was surely dying so i drank more & took all the pills one by one until they were all gone all while trying to reason with Todd. finally, i just gave up. i told him he'd be sorry when i was gone and i went to bed at some point because i don't remember anything after that.

at 3 am i awoke on all fours in the middle of our king-sized bed thinking i was really dying. screaming for Todd to help me and to call an ambulance because i was the sickest i have ever been in my life next to a heinous reaction to shellfish at age 19. it was in flashes...i think i would throw up and pass out in it on the bed. i don't recall it all, but i know Todd was mad and mean as hell during the entire ordeal. again i finally said, "FUCK IT! and just prayed to not wake up.

at 8:30 am on Nov 10, 2000, i awoke...again i had that feeling of i am alive, i am not dead. GET THE FUCK UP, Penny! i called Michelle and told her everything...left nothing unsaid. then I did the same with Anne. the begged me to call my doctor, i refused as i knew he'd lock me up and i was clearly thinking again. knew just what to do.

Anne came right over and we packed my entire house the two of us...everything but Todd's stuff. i even took the nails out of the wall like the Grinch as i sang the theme song from the cartoon. Fuck Todd. he's nearly killed me...negative...critical...control-freak...get away now! i left never to look back. in a way, i wish i could say it was the end of me and Todd, but then i wouldn't have Gavin. back to Stoneway Trail and Michelle, the woman who loved me dearly and unconditionally as a sister i never had., i went which was best for me.

end of this segment...