apathy and the edge of sanity

is where I am slowly slipping it would seem anymore. I am exhausted in all ways possible with NO end in sight and so alone. For all the hours I have spent loving others and doing for others and now I find myself in this God forsaken reality with NO ONE save Crystal and my therapist to turn too. I am over it. No one could love my son more than I do...NO ONE, but he is draining the very life out of me. The doctor tells me to STOP doing for him but that is easier said than done. I am a firm, disciplinarian. That shit only goes so far when your kid frankly doesn't care what you take from him or ground him or even spank him. Nothing works!

I can drug him and take him to therapy weekly, but still it isn't fixing whatever the "problem" is that is so vague and no one can seem to tell me what is causing it. It is a brain disorder? Learning disability? Is he just fucking nuts like most of my family tree??? Hell, who knows...I just know I am near my breaking point. Most days I don't even want to get up anymore...what is the point?

Now, he's missing his Dad and I can't make the fucker come here. He wouldn't even come when I Gav was hospitalized. Why must I keep paying for his father's choices? It's fucking frustrating and I am trying SO hard to be loving and caring and taking the high road. my son's selfishness reminds me of his father to the point I am beginning to loathe such in him...not the child but the behavior. He's still just 9 so I remind myself of that constantly...as I just yelled at him to get BACK IN THE BED. It has been 3 hrs now and I'm worn out to the point of tears. I hate myself for not holding up better but I'm just beaten down and weary.

I am beginning to really dislike most people because no one seems to give a fucking care in the world about me or anyone else. I push myself out of my comfort zone to help those I see struggling daily even when I am myself, yet rarely if ever does that happen to me.

Apathy will be the demise of this world and I fear I am slowly succumbing to it... HELP ME!