who am i

the last 12 months of my life have been wrought with joy and despair, unfortunately more the latter. i will say that it has forced me to truly look inside of myself and see who i truly am as a person. i've had to face those things about me which i hate, what i love and what i am uncertain and even afraid of. i'm pleased to report that i am still here to pen these words as many times sometimes months on end, i never thought i'd live to be here at this point in time.

the journey i have been on has had to be walked alone and as gut retching as it has been at times, very necessary. little did i know this time last year that the 3 most important men in my life would abandon me during this crucial time in my life. this set into motion a domino effect plummeting me to my own origins and the root of what has held me in bondage for nearly 37 years now.

though they all left for various reasons of their own choosing and not necessarily bad reasons, it has profoundly affected me and the relationships i hold with each of them.

my son was the last of the three to go and while it hurt, i understood him the best of the 3. perhaps it is because he is literally part of me having been born of my body and loved so profoundly that the bond i hold with my sweet son transcends that of the physical universe. i sense him in the world even though he is far from me just as i am certain he senses me in return.

bearing my son is truly the most monumental achievement of my life. i cannot fathom anything overcoming creating another person in the world! to know Gavin is to love him as most people do even when he isn't at his best. for such a young man, he's been through a great deal and i make it my mission to try and minimize the fallout for who knows the impact that may show up later in his lifetime. while i am far from being the best parent, i do my best by him at all times. he didn't ask to be in this world and i realize that my choices directly impact him, his childhood, & his life. i do my best to be selfless by him but knowing i am human, i do at times put myself first in somethings. mostly, it is his joy, life and happiness which propels me in my quest to be the best mother i can be to him. i take this responsibility with utmost importance, seriousness & silliness, as how can one have a child without engaging in the wonder of being silly?!

the first to leave was a dear, close friend to whom i could confide most anything. while i understand that he was struggling with his own horrifying trauma, i never anticipated that he'd need to part from me in order to find a way to heal and deal with losing his love so suddenly when all seemed so right in the world. without warning, his lover was snatched away from this life into the next leaving all of us who knew him with a great loss in our lives but none like my dear friend/brother who loved him most and best. after hearing him describe to me the instance his lover's passing, i was horrified myself but no one could possibly know that horror more than my dearest as he helplessly had to watch as his love died before his eyes right in the hospital where even they couldn't save him.

the second to leave me is the man i love best in this world since i truly believed that he is genuine and sincere when he told me that he really cared for me and ultimately that he loved me, too. this man was the first and only man since i was married that i'd fallen for because after my life experience with men, i trust none of them. it wasn't that i wanted too nor did i even really expect such a thing. i wouldn't have given it a second thought or look but i felt then as i still do now that God was doing something in our lives. i believed this man was an answer to my prayers to God for a life mate. i shared many things with him that i had never shared with another living soul as i seemed unable to keep from it. this great connection existed between us, but he clearly does not want such with me. it hurt the greatest because i was so sure of God and this person. how could i have been so wrong??? again!!! obviously, i am not able to choose a mate wisely and can't understand a fucking thing God says or doesn't. so now not only don't i trust men, but myself. the intuition that has seemed to keep me alive in this world failed me where this man is concerned and now i don't trust my inner voice anymore. it is a tragedy to not trust yourself.

after my rape 3 years ago this month, i had this same issue of trust with myself. the difference is that my rapist is a predator. he found out enough about me to use my own goodness against me. a terrible crime was committed against me by my rapist as his rape was intentional. he tricked me to make me vulnerable enough to get close too and then he dominated and controlled my body for a time while terrorizing me in the process. then he continued to do so over the next 3 days by trying to get close enough to do so again. thankfully, i had enough courage & strength to say NO! and sought the help i needed. he may have controlled the situation at the time, but i get to control me and the outcome of his attack. i choose life! i choose education, empowerment, and positive reinforcement for others who unfortunately must come after me. i march for it. i made a video for it. i will continue to do my part to give voice to this terrible crime against children, women and men. Sexual abuse & rape are wrong and a crime.

so this man i love more than any in the world who didn't ask for my love or my heart, pushes and pulls me to him and away still, but less now. i guess whatever purpose i served for a time in his life has been met. i continue to wrestle with whether these acts were intentional or not because that is where i have trouble with resolving things for myself. his words said one thing and his actions completely the opposite this time last year. this man who wasn't even free to pursue me but did until i loved him with all of me. love isn't like a light switch...you can't just turn it off and on. at least, it doesn't work that way for me. when i love, it is deep and genuine.

now, i run at the mere thought of such because how can i trust that anyone can truly love me? it began with my own biological father abandoning me before i was even born. that was the first deep wound to my soul which then grew when my mother failed to protect me from the men who molested me as a child. only this past year have i realized how deeply i resented her for not protecting me...her only daughter and a vulnerable, gregarious child who loved everyone then and still does despite the hell i have lived through and witnessed. i should be bitter and hateful, yet i am not. i choose love, light, laughter and life!!! it seems so simple, but yet i am still here alone in this life without the love i yearn for and a life mate to journey with me.

i do know who i am now though. i am fucking awesome! i'm beautiful inside and out, intelligent, well-read, gregarious, silly, sassy, smart-assed, compassionate, loving, a survivor & thriver, a great mom, a woman of principle, honest, forthright, sensual, passionate, tardy alot, intense, spiritual, fierce with the heart of a lioness, a fighter, and vulnerable. i will continue to live and love despite my enemies and my weakness. there is no shame in having emotion and showing them. there is great strength in allowing one's self to be vulnerable. how can you stretch and grow if you continue to close yourself off from the world and others? be yielding. be vulnerable. be love.