this is the best description for my life these days. i am working diligently to heal some old, deep dark wounds within my soul. it's pretty fucking awful at times and others most refreshing. i yearn for the day that this is all just a mild blip on my memory radar in life. first i have to make it through.
i finally spoke to my mom about the sexual abuse i suffered as a child on thursday night after group. i feel like i've been in sort of a fog since then. she apologized to me for not seeing it or being there. Mom is sorry it happened as she was sexually abused by her step-dad as a child herself. i couldn't help always wondering how she couldn't see the change in me. what else would make a vivacious, imaginative child become more quiet, contemplative and somewhat invisible? looking at my photos from school, one can't help but see the distinct difference in my kindergarten photo versus my 2nd grade photo.
i started kindergarten in Wisconsin. walking to school in snow taller than you are can be a bit scary, but i made it! first grade was hell and i was always in trouble. then we moved to dumfries, virgina where i went to school in 2nd grade and life was better for a while. i played in a cemetery there. it was peaceful and i felt safe there. dead people cannot hurt you. i am making myself remember all this stuff because this Thursday i have to share my story in group. it will be difficult and i know i feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. right now all i want to do is escape all this for a while.
"Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away
I've got to
Get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me"
i am checking out for a while now but i will finish this because i must to heal completely.
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