fear and loathing in nashvegas

i am awake again...this ever exhausting insomnia that strips me of my liveliness and good humor. it simply boils down to fear...of the unknown at this point, of loneliness, & of failing. sometimes i hate myself for being afraid and weak. i loath myself for being vulnerable and wanting love and affection. why is all this so complicated? love should be easy and free. so many take but won't reciprocate so my tank grows empty and dry. somehow i manage to renew and keep on giving, but i so desperately want to receive it,too! i got a freakin cat for heaven's sake just to have something to love and cuddle at the end of the day. so sad...

trying SO hard to mend my soul but it is a tough job. making some great strides though. i shared my story in group last week without even one tear or breakdown. when i was finished, you could nearly hear a pin drop. it was strange because usually we all ask questions, but somehow i feel like the group was a bit overwhelmed with my tale. i don't see my story as nearly as bad as some of the others...being rapped nightly by their fathers or brothers to me is far worse. one of the counselors did point out that the violence i had been subjected too my entire life was enough to give me PTSD without even the sexual assaults and rape. i guess, i had not ever considered that.

Lisa, my counselor, sent me the kindest note today telling me how much my strength and courage is helping our group. i don't see it that way. i think we are all an integral part of the whole process. i gain new wisdom and understanding from everyone there. we're all amazing people...women!

for the life of me, i can't figure out why i seem to be so unworthy of love from a man. why am i so repulsive? how come i am not worth the effort to build a wonderful relationship and life with? what is broken in me? i pray daily that God will help me see my flaw because i truly don't want to die alone but each day it seems more likely that is the way it will happen. i know i came in this world naked and alone but i have always been optimistic that it isn't how i would go out of it.

i thought i finally met someone who understood me. it was all a lie. if i can't tell truth from fiction, then i am fuct. this means i will either never trust anyone again or i will have to put myself out there blindly praying that i don't end up a victim.

i don't understand why men can't just be who they are. i am not trying to be anything i am not. hell, i get rejected all the time but that doesn't mean that i am worthless. i was rejected when i was thin, before i was born and after by my own father...time and again in fact. why am i so easy to abandon? that is the hardest part for me to figure out. i wish i knew the answer. maybe it isn't me at all but them?! are there really no true real men in the world who can be themselves and be loving and committed? it's as though i am asking for the moon on a silver platter or something. i am not! i just want someone genuine and real who will stay the course with me. life is a journey...highs, lows and all in between.

i want a partner!!! God do you hear me?! do you even care?!?! i have loved you since i was a small girl, but somehow i just get more and more hurt the more i love and open myself. i am so tired... if only...

just one thing...

sometimes when life is crumbling around you and you're lost, you just need ONE thing to keep you holding on. it could be one thing you know you do well. a person that means the world to you. one reason for being or even getting up in the morning. thankfully, people who don't even know what wonderful thing they were doing for me when they put their faith in me, will reap what they have sown. it is important for me to show the people who touch my life for the better even in the most seemingly insignificant ways to know how much i cherish them.

depression is real and people hurt. some wounds are new and others are old and buried but still festering poisoning you slowly. no matter how far down you think you have buried it or gotten "over it", if you never truly dealt with it...guess what? it is STILL THERE!

that is what i am dealing with now...crimes against me as a very young child that left an indelible blueprint upon my life that i am working hard to change. it is important for me to succeed because i want to stop the pattern and break the cycle for this sort of crime in my family and in society at large. children are innocent and precious. they need to be treated as such. our children are our MOST precious resource. ALL CHILDREN!!! children need love and discipline and love and more LOVE!

one never knows where a bit of joy might come from. i relish these serendipitous instances because i need them! we ALL need them. these days with reality being so rough, we seek ways to escape for a bit at a time to take a break. even that isn't enough sometimes. my good friends Lolly & Larry let me join their family for a hour of sledding and it was the most fun i had in weeks! i'm sure to them it didn't seem like a big deal but for me it was mammoth. i'm lonely and miss my child and the bit of family i have even though they give new meaning to dysfunctional. it felt great to feel part of a group of loving, happy folks. i needed it so much. my thanks seem so insignificant for what i received. i love them all for being so open and including me when i was in need. not to mention Lolly's great effort to snap photos of our crazy adventure. priceless to me! that brief interlude will resonate with me for years to come.

Love and live like it is your last moment here.