walking the tightrope between heaven and hell

this is the best description for my life these days. i am working diligently to heal some old, deep dark wounds within my soul. it's pretty fucking awful at times and others most refreshing. i yearn for the day that this is all just a mild blip on my memory radar in life. first i have to make it through.

i finally spoke to my mom about the sexual abuse i suffered as a child on thursday night after group. i feel like i've been in sort of a fog since then. she apologized to me for not seeing it or being there. Mom is sorry it happened as she was sexually abused by her step-dad as a child herself. i couldn't help always wondering how she couldn't see the change in me. what else would make a vivacious, imaginative child become more quiet, contemplative and somewhat invisible? looking at my photos from school, one can't help but see the distinct difference in my kindergarten photo versus my 2nd grade photo.

i started kindergarten in Wisconsin. walking to school in snow taller than you are can be a bit scary, but i made it! first grade was hell and i was always in trouble. then we moved to dumfries, virgina where i went to school in 2nd grade and life was better for a while. i played in a cemetery there. it was peaceful and i felt safe there. dead people cannot hurt you. i am making myself remember all this stuff because this Thursday i have to share my story in group. it will be difficult and i know i feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. right now all i want to do is escape all this for a while.

"Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away
I've got to
Get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me"

i am checking out for a while now but i will finish this because i must to heal completely.

tough one...

today (Thursday) has been rough...woke up to a refrigerator that had gone out. it was raining. i'm sleep deprived severely and anxious about my upcoming surgery. miss my child terribly and counting the days until he's back home for 3 weeks. work work work work...never ending. i miss painting. crying myself to sleep sounds like the best bet at this point as long as i am up and at it again by 7 am. TGIF

Saddened but no regrets

Why is it that some people feel it is their right &/or job to control
other people? What is wrong with the picture when someone tries to
tell you what you can say, who you can be friends with, where you
should go and that you should be “invisible” in their presence? What
the fuck!?

Why be in their presence in the first place then? If a
person is SO threatened by the vitality and life force of another
individual, then it would seem obvious that they themselves harbor
self-confidence &/or esteem issues.

Since I began my individual and group therapy several months ago to
work through some very personal wounds and scars, I have truly become
more aware of not only my own behavior but that of other people as
well. I have found in life that karma will come back around to you.

I have learned that some behaviors are self-destructive, while
others are healthy. I aspire to only do those things which will foster
love, growth, positive energy & life. These are the things that I
cherish and hold dear to my heart and soul.

My soul has been wrought with eyes like swiss cheese, yet I persevere! I thrive despite those who seek to snuff out my light. My life force is strong as is my heart and love. I am genuine with nothing or no one to hide or fear. I am and will continue to be me despite those who would oppress me due to their own insecurity, selfishness, ignorance, stupidity and/or judgement. Be who you are and not a sheep.