who am i

the last 12 months of my life have been wrought with joy and despair, unfortunately more the latter. i will say that it has forced me to truly look inside of myself and see who i truly am as a person. i've had to face those things about me which i hate, what i love and what i am uncertain and even afraid of. i'm pleased to report that i am still here to pen these words as many times sometimes months on end, i never thought i'd live to be here at this point in time.

the journey i have been on has had to be walked alone and as gut retching as it has been at times, very necessary. little did i know this time last year that the 3 most important men in my life would abandon me during this crucial time in my life. this set into motion a domino effect plummeting me to my own origins and the root of what has held me in bondage for nearly 37 years now.

though they all left for various reasons of their own choosing and not necessarily bad reasons, it has profoundly affected me and the relationships i hold with each of them.

my son was the last of the three to go and while it hurt, i understood him the best of the 3. perhaps it is because he is literally part of me having been born of my body and loved so profoundly that the bond i hold with my sweet son transcends that of the physical universe. i sense him in the world even though he is far from me just as i am certain he senses me in return.

bearing my son is truly the most monumental achievement of my life. i cannot fathom anything overcoming creating another person in the world! to know Gavin is to love him as most people do even when he isn't at his best. for such a young man, he's been through a great deal and i make it my mission to try and minimize the fallout for who knows the impact that may show up later in his lifetime. while i am far from being the best parent, i do my best by him at all times. he didn't ask to be in this world and i realize that my choices directly impact him, his childhood, & his life. i do my best to be selfless by him but knowing i am human, i do at times put myself first in somethings. mostly, it is his joy, life and happiness which propels me in my quest to be the best mother i can be to him. i take this responsibility with utmost importance, seriousness & silliness, as how can one have a child without engaging in the wonder of being silly?!

the first to leave was a dear, close friend to whom i could confide most anything. while i understand that he was struggling with his own horrifying trauma, i never anticipated that he'd need to part from me in order to find a way to heal and deal with losing his love so suddenly when all seemed so right in the world. without warning, his lover was snatched away from this life into the next leaving all of us who knew him with a great loss in our lives but none like my dear friend/brother who loved him most and best. after hearing him describe to me the instance his lover's passing, i was horrified myself but no one could possibly know that horror more than my dearest as he helplessly had to watch as his love died before his eyes right in the hospital where even they couldn't save him.

the second to leave me is the man i love best in this world since i truly believed that he is genuine and sincere when he told me that he really cared for me and ultimately that he loved me, too. this man was the first and only man since i was married that i'd fallen for because after my life experience with men, i trust none of them. it wasn't that i wanted too nor did i even really expect such a thing. i wouldn't have given it a second thought or look but i felt then as i still do now that God was doing something in our lives. i believed this man was an answer to my prayers to God for a life mate. i shared many things with him that i had never shared with another living soul as i seemed unable to keep from it. this great connection existed between us, but he clearly does not want such with me. it hurt the greatest because i was so sure of God and this person. how could i have been so wrong??? again!!! obviously, i am not able to choose a mate wisely and can't understand a fucking thing God says or doesn't. so now not only don't i trust men, but myself. the intuition that has seemed to keep me alive in this world failed me where this man is concerned and now i don't trust my inner voice anymore. it is a tragedy to not trust yourself.

after my rape 3 years ago this month, i had this same issue of trust with myself. the difference is that my rapist is a predator. he found out enough about me to use my own goodness against me. a terrible crime was committed against me by my rapist as his rape was intentional. he tricked me to make me vulnerable enough to get close too and then he dominated and controlled my body for a time while terrorizing me in the process. then he continued to do so over the next 3 days by trying to get close enough to do so again. thankfully, i had enough courage & strength to say NO! and sought the help i needed. he may have controlled the situation at the time, but i get to control me and the outcome of his attack. i choose life! i choose education, empowerment, and positive reinforcement for others who unfortunately must come after me. i march for it. i made a video for it. i will continue to do my part to give voice to this terrible crime against children, women and men. Sexual abuse & rape are wrong and a crime.

so this man i love more than any in the world who didn't ask for my love or my heart, pushes and pulls me to him and away still, but less now. i guess whatever purpose i served for a time in his life has been met. i continue to wrestle with whether these acts were intentional or not because that is where i have trouble with resolving things for myself. his words said one thing and his actions completely the opposite this time last year. this man who wasn't even free to pursue me but did until i loved him with all of me. love isn't like a light switch...you can't just turn it off and on. at least, it doesn't work that way for me. when i love, it is deep and genuine.

now, i run at the mere thought of such because how can i trust that anyone can truly love me? it began with my own biological father abandoning me before i was even born. that was the first deep wound to my soul which then grew when my mother failed to protect me from the men who molested me as a child. only this past year have i realized how deeply i resented her for not protecting me...her only daughter and a vulnerable, gregarious child who loved everyone then and still does despite the hell i have lived through and witnessed. i should be bitter and hateful, yet i am not. i choose love, light, laughter and life!!! it seems so simple, but yet i am still here alone in this life without the love i yearn for and a life mate to journey with me.

i do know who i am now though. i am fucking awesome! i'm beautiful inside and out, intelligent, well-read, gregarious, silly, sassy, smart-assed, compassionate, loving, a survivor & thriver, a great mom, a woman of principle, honest, forthright, sensual, passionate, tardy alot, intense, spiritual, fierce with the heart of a lioness, a fighter, and vulnerable. i will continue to live and love despite my enemies and my weakness. there is no shame in having emotion and showing them. there is great strength in allowing one's self to be vulnerable. how can you stretch and grow if you continue to close yourself off from the world and others? be yielding. be vulnerable. be love.

fear and loathing in nashvegas

i am awake again...this ever exhausting insomnia that strips me of my liveliness and good humor. it simply boils down to fear...of the unknown at this point, of loneliness, & of failing. sometimes i hate myself for being afraid and weak. i loath myself for being vulnerable and wanting love and affection. why is all this so complicated? love should be easy and free. so many take but won't reciprocate so my tank grows empty and dry. somehow i manage to renew and keep on giving, but i so desperately want to receive it,too! i got a freakin cat for heaven's sake just to have something to love and cuddle at the end of the day. so sad...

trying SO hard to mend my soul but it is a tough job. making some great strides though. i shared my story in group last week without even one tear or breakdown. when i was finished, you could nearly hear a pin drop. it was strange because usually we all ask questions, but somehow i feel like the group was a bit overwhelmed with my tale. i don't see my story as nearly as bad as some of the others...being rapped nightly by their fathers or brothers to me is far worse. one of the counselors did point out that the violence i had been subjected too my entire life was enough to give me PTSD without even the sexual assaults and rape. i guess, i had not ever considered that.

Lisa, my counselor, sent me the kindest note today telling me how much my strength and courage is helping our group. i don't see it that way. i think we are all an integral part of the whole process. i gain new wisdom and understanding from everyone there. we're all amazing people...women!

for the life of me, i can't figure out why i seem to be so unworthy of love from a man. why am i so repulsive? how come i am not worth the effort to build a wonderful relationship and life with? what is broken in me? i pray daily that God will help me see my flaw because i truly don't want to die alone but each day it seems more likely that is the way it will happen. i know i came in this world naked and alone but i have always been optimistic that it isn't how i would go out of it.

i thought i finally met someone who understood me. it was all a lie. if i can't tell truth from fiction, then i am fuct. this means i will either never trust anyone again or i will have to put myself out there blindly praying that i don't end up a victim.

i don't understand why men can't just be who they are. i am not trying to be anything i am not. hell, i get rejected all the time but that doesn't mean that i am worthless. i was rejected when i was thin, before i was born and after by my own father...time and again in fact. why am i so easy to abandon? that is the hardest part for me to figure out. i wish i knew the answer. maybe it isn't me at all but them?! are there really no true real men in the world who can be themselves and be loving and committed? it's as though i am asking for the moon on a silver platter or something. i am not! i just want someone genuine and real who will stay the course with me. life is a journey...highs, lows and all in between.

i want a partner!!! God do you hear me?! do you even care?!?! i have loved you since i was a small girl, but somehow i just get more and more hurt the more i love and open myself. i am so tired... if only...

just one thing...

sometimes when life is crumbling around you and you're lost, you just need ONE thing to keep you holding on. it could be one thing you know you do well. a person that means the world to you. one reason for being or even getting up in the morning. thankfully, people who don't even know what wonderful thing they were doing for me when they put their faith in me, will reap what they have sown. it is important for me to show the people who touch my life for the better even in the most seemingly insignificant ways to know how much i cherish them.

depression is real and people hurt. some wounds are new and others are old and buried but still festering poisoning you slowly. no matter how far down you think you have buried it or gotten "over it", if you never truly dealt with it...guess what? it is STILL THERE!

that is what i am dealing with now...crimes against me as a very young child that left an indelible blueprint upon my life that i am working hard to change. it is important for me to succeed because i want to stop the pattern and break the cycle for this sort of crime in my family and in society at large. children are innocent and precious. they need to be treated as such. our children are our MOST precious resource. ALL CHILDREN!!! children need love and discipline and love and more LOVE!

one never knows where a bit of joy might come from. i relish these serendipitous instances because i need them! we ALL need them. these days with reality being so rough, we seek ways to escape for a bit at a time to take a break. even that isn't enough sometimes. my good friends Lolly & Larry let me join their family for a hour of sledding and it was the most fun i had in weeks! i'm sure to them it didn't seem like a big deal but for me it was mammoth. i'm lonely and miss my child and the bit of family i have even though they give new meaning to dysfunctional. it felt great to feel part of a group of loving, happy folks. i needed it so much. my thanks seem so insignificant for what i received. i love them all for being so open and including me when i was in need. not to mention Lolly's great effort to snap photos of our crazy adventure. priceless to me! that brief interlude will resonate with me for years to come.

Love and live like it is your last moment here.

walking the tightrope between heaven and hell

this is the best description for my life these days. i am working diligently to heal some old, deep dark wounds within my soul. it's pretty fucking awful at times and others most refreshing. i yearn for the day that this is all just a mild blip on my memory radar in life. first i have to make it through.

i finally spoke to my mom about the sexual abuse i suffered as a child on thursday night after group. i feel like i've been in sort of a fog since then. she apologized to me for not seeing it or being there. Mom is sorry it happened as she was sexually abused by her step-dad as a child herself. i couldn't help always wondering how she couldn't see the change in me. what else would make a vivacious, imaginative child become more quiet, contemplative and somewhat invisible? looking at my photos from school, one can't help but see the distinct difference in my kindergarten photo versus my 2nd grade photo.

i started kindergarten in Wisconsin. walking to school in snow taller than you are can be a bit scary, but i made it! first grade was hell and i was always in trouble. then we moved to dumfries, virgina where i went to school in 2nd grade and life was better for a while. i played in a cemetery there. it was peaceful and i felt safe there. dead people cannot hurt you. i am making myself remember all this stuff because this Thursday i have to share my story in group. it will be difficult and i know i feel like i'm on an emotional roller coaster ride. right now all i want to do is escape all this for a while.

"Sometimes I feel I've got to
Run away
I've got to
Get away
From the pain you drive into the heart of me"

i am checking out for a while now but i will finish this because i must to heal completely.

tough one...

today (Thursday) has been rough...woke up to a refrigerator that had gone out. it was raining. i'm sleep deprived severely and anxious about my upcoming surgery. miss my child terribly and counting the days until he's back home for 3 weeks. work work work work...never ending. i miss painting. crying myself to sleep sounds like the best bet at this point as long as i am up and at it again by 7 am. TGIF

Saddened but no regrets

Why is it that some people feel it is their right &/or job to control
other people? What is wrong with the picture when someone tries to
tell you what you can say, who you can be friends with, where you
should go and that you should be “invisible” in their presence? What
the fuck!?

Why be in their presence in the first place then? If a
person is SO threatened by the vitality and life force of another
individual, then it would seem obvious that they themselves harbor
self-confidence &/or esteem issues.

Since I began my individual and group therapy several months ago to
work through some very personal wounds and scars, I have truly become
more aware of not only my own behavior but that of other people as
well. I have found in life that karma will come back around to you.

I have learned that some behaviors are self-destructive, while
others are healthy. I aspire to only do those things which will foster
love, growth, positive energy & life. These are the things that I
cherish and hold dear to my heart and soul.

My soul has been wrought with eyes like swiss cheese, yet I persevere! I thrive despite those who seek to snuff out my light. My life force is strong as is my heart and love. I am genuine with nothing or no one to hide or fear. I am and will continue to be me despite those who would oppress me due to their own insecurity, selfishness, ignorance, stupidity and/or judgement. Be who you are and not a sheep.

overwhelmed

i am today. the end of the year is near and though i am greatful, i have mild trepedation and elation at the same time. always the paradox within me...i feel that is what my mother should have called me...Paradox instead of Penny. crazy but true.

i spent the last 4 days of Christmas almost completely alone except for my pets. it was nice in a way to just relax but hard for me to do also when i have SO many things that must be done. only so many hours in a day, yet now i really need to focus on taking care of myself...mind, heart, soul and body. it is vital to my well-being and continued existance. living with PTSD everyday is literally HELL. death would be SO much easier but not an option as i must be here to raise my son.

having just spoke with his father makes me feel more paniced as his health is rapidly decreasing...a man of 41 with diabetes, hypertension, a few mild heart attacks under his belt, neuropathy, arythmia and now the blood vessels in his lungs are damaged not allowing him to breathe fully. this of course is NOT good for my panic disorder which i working ferverantly to overcome, but it is a hard, long road to healing. my heart is racing and i've already had my medication to help with the panic/anxiety attack.

i feel like bawling but what good what that do besides elevate my blood pressure and heart rate further. i feel trapped and stifled. i want to run but there is no where to go and i just wish to God or the universe that someone was here to just hold me for a bit and tell me it would be ok. this endless cycle of my disorder is a bitch. i react to things which trigger my PTSD so strongly which alienates others making me isolate myself so i won't make people i love and care for dearly uncomfortable or hurt their feelings. so i'm caught in this fucking endless cycle.

i'm made more attempts of late to get out more and even try dating again, which scares the HELL out me. how can i trust men? they lie or tell you what you wish to hear to get close to you to get what they want. some go the extra mile making you fall hard for them only to pull the rug out from under your feet. the last one raped my very soul which has been FAR worse than my physical rape 2 1/2 years ago or the sexual abuse i endured as a child.

i miss my old silly, sassy self and relish the small glimpses i catch of her now and then. i want that back!!! i want to be carefree, confident, assertive and happy again. while my happiness doesn't come from others, it goes hand in hand with my self worth which the men in my life beginning with my sperm donor, have diminished a piece at a time until i feel there is nearly nothing left of me.

i attend counseling and group thereapy weekly now again to really dig down to the core of the issue that plagues me. i know that my sexual molestation at age 5-6 by 3 teenage boys that were part of our family was the beginning of the horrible blueprint that was put upon my life. i began dying a little everyday once i was old enough to realize what had happened to me and too ashamed to tell a soul until i was a grown woman. i denied to my brother what had happened to us when he asked me about it one time. i told him he'd must have had a bad nightmare because i didn't of what he was speaking.

how interesting the human mind is...we will bury things from ourselves for decades to preserve ourselves. i wonder if i'd have been better off disclosing the abuse when i was a child, instead of pretending it had never happened in the first place?

i know now that the immense resentment and dislike i've had toward my mother for nearly my entire life stems from the fact that she didn't protect me from these men who hurt me. she entrusted me to them to take care of me and they abused me instead. why wasn't she more careful with me? i was such a fun, precocious child much like Gavin and never knew strangers. she didn't even notice how i stopped being so gregarious and outgoing. my mother never questioned why i would rather beat the snot out of boys instead of just befriending them. how could she not see??? why wasn't i important enough to her? i couldn't depend upon her to keep me safe, so i had to become invisible instead.

invisibility is a common coping practice for victims of sexual assault, abuse and rape. if you make yourself unnoticible then hopefully you won't be hurt again because no one will even notice you exist. while i am a well-read and educated woman, i never put all this together in my own head until now.

the next two-three months are going to be QUITE demanding and painful for me. i have to essentially go back and relive the experience of my childhood molestation and attempted rape so i can feel the pain and grieve for what i lost in order to move forward. i'd rather gouge out my eye or suffer something physical then to endure the mental/emotional pain that i have to endure to get better. i can withstand physical pain far better than emotional pain for sure. i always have. there are no fucking shortcuts for this whatsoever.

a week ago friday, i had the worst panic attack yet. i felt like something inside me had splintered off. i couldn't focus, my heart beat erratically, & was terrified but couldn't tell you why. i wanted to disappear literally from the earth. i can only figure that the story i'd heard the night before in group therapy triggered something deep within my subconscious setting off my PTSD. i'll have to learn my triggers and try to avoid them or prepare myself to encounter them. i can now recollect when the PTSD started and see particular situations where the triggers set me off. if i had only known the symptoms, i could have figured it out and gotten help sooner.

when i go back on the 7th, i have to share my story with the group. i am not sure how i'm going to convey it yet. i think that is why i have isolated myself further because i know i'm going to have to bare everything to a group of people i hardly know in an effort to heal myself. UGH! nothing seems to comfort me. i just wish i had someone to hold me and let me just cry it all out, but i can't ask anyone to endure such because it's terrible enough for me to endure.

praying the new year will be SO much better for not only me but everyone because 2009 was a complete bust...a year i wish never happened.